OakMonster’s Den

It’s funny how I came up with this long, insightful entry on the bus home the other day which you guys will get to read in the next few days. I felt happy with life. Content. Everything was going well.

It’s because I walled up everything else so well I even forgot that there is a wall.

Last night after a few trigger events, like the Berlin Wall, my emotional guard came tumbling down, and took with it my immune systems.

So, here I am. Sick and overwhelmed.

Some of you may have noticed that I have not talked about my mom much around here since I have returned from Thailand in August. Out of respect, perhaps. But mainly I wasn’t ready to see my mom in that light. The light that I realized I must face.

I probably won’t get to have my mom through 2007.

I had mentioned in past posts that the doctors were starting my mom on some kind of mild oral chemo, costing $65 a pill a day. It is NOT a cure, but a way to extend her life. So far, with my dad’s retirement plan as a former tenured professor of public university has covered the cost.

Now, with the new government realizing that they are flat broke after years of corruption, they are changing up the retirement plan and ruling certain write-offs out. You guess it. The $65 a day is on that list. The doctors are making an appeal to keep us subsidized for mom’s treatment.

It comes down to this.

If the drug works but we can’t write it off, we can’t afford to keep going. Same fate as if the drug doesn’t work. We won’t know until they could get her into a body scan.

Either way, it seems that last blink of hope is being snuffed out as we speak.

“My mom is not going to make it,” came out of my mouth for the first time ever a few weeks ago. I can’t believe I’m thinking it let alone saying it out loud many times last week.

I can’t believe I actually admit it. And I’m so utterly disgusted with myself for that.

And I walled up my rage, guilt, disappointment, anguish, sorrow and all other emotions with layers of sarcasm and small bricks of anger. Then I painted on a nice coat of Sunshine and Smiles. Everything is okay. Everything is fine.

Work has been super busy so that helped keeping up the wall as well. I’ve done it for so long and keeping up the front of the strong and jolly OakMonster that, like I said, a few days ago I actually feel happy. Truly happy. Until I realize I was putting up a front of happy.

Just like when I ice skated. I would be skating just fine until the moment I thought, “How do 2 skinny blades hold me up like this?” Then I’d take a tumble. The moment I question my happiness, I suddenly remember what is going on in the back room.

And then I crashed. Emotionally as well as physically.

And here you have a shell and a mess of the OakMonster, not knowing what to do or how to feel. There is the stuffy nose and I feel energy drains right out of me every few hours. And I don’t even know how to interact with people! Hence I stayed home today instead of being in the office. (Sorry, Demi Boss and Lady Boss. I just can’t handle it today.)

I want to call home for some news, but I’m afraid. I don’t think I could handle it at this point.

I don’t want to put up a happy front. Hell, ANY front. I just want to curl up with my emotions. Let them roam free for a day.

All day I have been trying to rebuild, putting one foot in front of the other, focusing on one step at a time. Brandon took a day off to support me–bless his heart.

I’m sure I’ll feel much better after I fry up the chicken and have dinner and watch some TV with Brandon. A bit of normal sets me in the right healing path, I hope.

I’m on the 18th hour of being awake.

Yep. The monthly board meeting day.

The crack of dawn wake up time of 4:45 to get ready and get in the car and leave no later than 5:20 sharp in order to miss morning traffic which results in me being at work at 6 a.m., 30 minutes early, but if I leave after 5:20, I would have gotten there at 6:30 or later.

I was going to make dinner, but decided not to, so I came home to the Brandon the Handyman Show. I kept “just in case I get electrocuted” watch while Brandon changed out most electrical sockets in the apartment.

Then Shane called and asked if I was still making dinner. Like I could ever say no to that!

So I ventured back out the store and made what I’ve been craving since I saw it on TV a few times now, Paula Dean’s Potato Soup (without the shrimps but extra bacon!) while the boys shopped for and install replacement blind in our bedroom (oh yes after 1 month, no one was sent from the apartment management so Brandon offered to do it and get reimbursed).

We watched Tuesday’s NCIS and I got caught up on LOST. Goddamn I love this show. And next week…SAWYER’S SHIRT IS COMING OFF!!!!!

Hmm. Josh Halloway. Drool.

Talk about ogling!

BTW - I joined BakeSpace.com. Come find me, you aspiring chefs and bakers of the blogosphere!

BTW TOO - I met up with Token Asian and her friend Jenny for sushi in Downtown LA the other day, dragging Nhien along. We had a great time. Will elaborate later.

Tomorrow night. A second try at the hip hop class. (Last time Michael and I showed up for a non-existing class that someone there informed me they have.) Hopefully they haven’t cancelled the adult class too. *sigh*

Just as I’m starting to get comfortable being one of the girls–you know, with the girls night out and all of that–I suddenly realize that there *is* a reason why I prefer the company of dudes over girls a lot of times.

Gossips.

The dude’s being vulgar and insensitive, I can handle. It’s a dude thing. Even with them, once in a while all the “Holy Hooters!” becomes too much. But that doesn’t bug me as much as the constant barrage of gossip.

Yes, being a girl, I gossip here and there. And yes, I enjoy hearing stuff here and there. Just like with the guys, a little bit of that is expected. But when it becomes the only thing you hear, it gets a little old.

That, and trash talking about everyone and everything else around you. I mean, I’m a Carlos Mencia fan. I make fun of people too. But, like I said, it becomes excessive, you have to start worndering about the person.

The October issue of Real Simple, “Breaking Your Bad Habits” explains it best.

The Habit: Gossiping

Why You Do It: You try to take the focus off your flaws by exposing those of others. But a person who gossips by habit doesn’t truly believe she’s good enough on her own.

How to Stop: Focus your conversation on sharing your experiences, such as discovering a new restaurant or your latest vacation. Brush up on current events, music, or sports. This will give you something else to discuss besides other people. Plus, you never know who is listening in on your conversation. If you’re complaining about your coworker, be aware that her best friend might be the woman directly behind you on the train. Keep in mind that gossiping makes you seem untrustworthy. You may even lose friends and professional contacts when people realize you’re a gossip.

Well, there you go.

Besides, it’s a Buddhist thing. All things in moderation. Like I said, I am no saint. I gossip. I make fun of people. I oogle at hot guys. But I don’t think I do it excessively. …or do I?

If I do, can someone please smack some senses into me? Thanks.

My Sensa is always on shuffle. So, it’s a little freaky how all the songs seem to fall into all the perfect places this morning.

Waiting for the bus:
(After skipping a few songs, I settled for…) Cruisin’ - Gwenneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis, soundtrack of Duets

Getting on the bus:
Porcelain - Moby

Heading into town, you close your eyes and invite sleep to take you over:
Enter Sandman - Metallica

Instead, you chuckle to yourself like a mad woman:
Because right after Metallica, it was Always Look on the Bright Side of Life - Soundtrack from Spamalot!

Last song you remember before falling asleep:
Sleep to Dream - Jason Mraz

Rudely being waken up because your bus bounces around LA streets like it’s on the Dakar Rally:
Jump - House of Pain

Walking to the office:
Do you want to - Franz Ferdinand (which my answer to is …NO!)

Well, more like tolerable. You’ll find out here in a bit what I’m talking about.

Dinner with my girlfriends last night was fantastic. It was “Appetizers for dinner” potluck at Brenda’s instead of going out to a restaurant. Everything dish had cheese in it and the gracious host kept pouring the wine.

I brought over 3 smaller version of Giada’s Mini Italian Club Sandwiches and 1 with just the egg and cheese plus added tomato slices for Lee, our lone vegatarian. Instead of the big foccacia round, I used 4 freshly made Italian rolls I bought from Downtown sandwich shop instead, and I quartered the sandwiches. Brenda made all sorts of little dishes and set out crostinis and chips and veggies for us to dip our lives away. Aurora made these family recipe blondies to die for and Lupe baked cookies.

Lee brought over the brie and pastry to get baked and Brenda. Aurora later discovered that not only the brie was baked but so was the paper label. The boys also had a huge laugh over the nutrional facts that showed up on their cut of baked brie.

Oh yeah, the Boys showed up at the end.

While the ladies were out, our husbands/boyfriend/friend decided to go out as well. Brandon (mine) and James (Aurora’s) went home after their dinner at Naples Rib Company as Paul (Lupe’s), John (Brenda’s), and Shane cruised back to Bren’s for some of John’s home brewed beer.

By the point, us ladies were nice and smashed so we didn’t mind the company any more.

Besides, we had SO MUCH FOOD leftover. Someone had to help!

And oh, by the way, that beer of John’s. Fan-fucking-tastic! It’s like if Guinness and New Castle have babies, it would’ve been that. It was just awesome.

So, the boys crashed in. We watched the World of Warcraft South Park episode. Uber Pownage for all! Lots of laughs and much raucousness. Aurora, Brenda and I once again were amazed that we understood the entire thing. Gamer geek by osmosis is actually possible, it seems.

Lupe, as always, started dosing off here and there once she was nice and alcoholized. Toward the end of the evening, she sort of came to a little bit. Mainly, in the middle of our conversation about how James = Cartman in the WOW South Park.

“So, I thought we were going to watch that WOW South Park episode,” interrupted Lupe.

“We just did,” Paul said, looking at her a little bit confused.

“We DID??”

Lupe fell asleep through the entire episode. With all the raucousness.

Now THAT’S a sign of a good time.

Bono and Oprah on the (Red) shopping spree.

iPod Red Nano $199 has joined the (Product) Red. Yet another more affordable way to support the Global Fund. Yey!

1.
Kitz changed the look of her blog last night as well. Great minds think alike!

2.
Amy called to let me know she was bringing the birthday card for us to sign for Eva. (Happy Birthday, darling!) I was suddenly reminded that I should probably deck out her cubicle before she gets there. “Good morning,” chimed Eva, not 2 seconds after I hung up the phone. Well, crap. So much for the birthday ambush. Timing is frelling everything, isn’t it?

That reminded me of when we tried to surprise Amy last month. We were all in her office, putting up streamers and balloons. I came out to get more tape and saw her turning the corner. Our receptionist was trying her damnest to stall Amy as instructed. I ran back into the room, “She’s here! She’s here!” and the girls were still scrambling. Not a moment later, Amy came up to her door. Not knowing what to do, Eva slammed the door her face. LOL.

3.
Nhien made 6 ramekins of FANTASITILICIOUS creme brulee to make up for the tofu flan (that’s right, TOFU) she brought over for St. Patty’s dinner and also to thank Brandon for a little technical help he provided. I rightfully ate one at lunch as a toll to carry the tray back on the bus.

4.
Join the movement and hop on the bandwagon of (RED). Buy stuff and portion of it will benefit Global Funds to fight AIDS. Gee. That sounds a lot like the Siamese Pixie Store…*hint*hint*

5.
Upon seeing the 5 remaining ramekins of creme brulee…

Brandon: Why are you Asian women bent on making me fat?
Me: Because then we’d look even smaller.

If you were here a few hours ago, you would’ve said, “WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE??”

But now, I fixed it. And I made it better!

At the encouragement of Kitz, I played around with CSS to upgrade the look of the Den. And got stuck with hideous weird format I couldn’t get out of.

So I wiped the entire thing out and start with a fresh Blogger template, saving my side bar links on a Notepad.

I tweaked and tweaked and played with photoshop and tweaked and pasted the codes back in and tweaked and deleted and deleted and added and prayed that I didn’t screw up or we’ll have to start from the top again.

There are still some weirdness when you look at archived post which I don’t know how to fix. (Any help from the pros would be appreciated. Just leave me a post and I’ll email you right back.)

And here you have it, kids. We’re celebrating 3 year anniversary of the OakMonster’s Den (on the 12th) and just over 10,000 visitors with a face lift.

Hope you like it!

You have visited the Siamese Pixie Store, I’m sure. (If not, WHY HAVEN’T YOU!?!?)

I haven’t checked in on the sales record in a while, and was thoroughly surprised to see at least a dozen items sold in the past few months!

Finally, I have made my first $10 payment to Thai Redcross. Awesome!

I have added the Geekzilla department back although there aren’t that many items on there just now. But the Thai Spices are selling well…especially, “My Thai last name isn’t the only thing that’s long…” That shirt is the most popular item (sold 2 of them!) so far!

So yep. Check out my store. And feel good about your purchase!