Just when I was about to go to bed, I was hit by this low grade meloncholy. A somber realization with a dash of morbidity and a hint of brooding pessimism.
I think this all may have stemmed from a comment made by a friend from work today. “I believe I’m going to die alone,” he said.
He was thoroughly convinced that he would never find his life partner. According to him, his soulmate is his ex-wife, so he didn’t need to find that. He dreaded going through life without anyone by his side.
I tried to cheer him up the best I could. But he was dead set on it. There was not much I can do. But I did promise him that I will be there, yapping away by his death bed so he will definitely know he is not alone.
When someone doesn’t want to get cheered up, they can really really brood.
I did the same thing earlier on this evening too. I started to think these things:
I would never get out of the rut that I’m in. (See “Grrrr”). I could never get out of the debt we have. I could never afford a home. I would never be successful. And I made a horrible wife. I’m afraid my life has turned out to be God’s (doesn’t matter whose “God” it is) sad experiment with a perfectly good karma strain. With everything that is made up to be me, karma/cosmic or otherwise, I should’ve turned out better than this.
Then I also realized that it DEFINITELY could be a lot worse than this.
I could be roaming the streets of Bombay searching for scraps in the trash, sharing my sidewalk of a bedroom with dogs and cockroaches, being brutalized or forced into prostitution, and living with AIDS with no access to any medical attention.
Even in your darkest hours, there are always lights to get you through. In my case, my light came through the love of my life. It was a glimpse of Brandon draping across our bed, sleeping soundly in our bed that makes me realize I don’t have it all that bad.
I have been blessed, lucky, or perhaps good in the past lives. At the least I have all my limbs and am in good health, and I have Brandon. All the other worries are nothing compared to what other people may have.
And after I typed away on this thing, I snapped out of it.
Sleep is back to drag me through the night…