I just finished the book, The Dante Club. In it, they mentioned that Dante has met this one girl and convinced that she was his soul mate. They never really spoke, and he ended up marrying another, but it appeared he continued to be “in love” with her, was inspired by that love for the rest of his life. On that same note, in this historical fiction, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow met a woman he believed could replace his dead wife, Fanny, but again, the passion was never realized between them as she married another. And she had been on his mind ever since.

And just now I finished watching the last half of Serendipity on TV.

Talk about fate, destiny, and signs!

Could that possibly be my sign? Did I have a serendipitous moment with someone I couldn’t get out of my head? Or am I to go on an adventure to find that one person I could possibly have lost?

I’ve spent times with as many boys I could count on one hand. Other than the ex=boyfriend of 3 some years, I only quasi-dated one more guy. The other boys I did spend sometime with them being a friend, what I usually am better at. Although, to think back on it, there were 2 boys back in college that if I wasn’t such a scarety cat about boys, and wasn’t so damn clueless, something might have worked out.

Daddy Long Leg.
Daddy Long Leg and I were up late in the common room, studying for different classes. He gave me a neck rub. When I finished returning the favor, he pulled me in for kiss. Massively panicked, I pushed off of him and announced that I should get us more coffee and ran back to my dorm with our cups. Hellooo. I had never kissed a boy before up to that point. I didn’t know what to do! When I came back, we were back to pre-neck rub, and went back to studying. We never spoke of that moment again. And we weren’t as close of friends we were before that night.

The Irish Footballer.
I ran into him one Friday evening after his soccer practive. He offered to walk with me back to my dorm. The Irish told me he was going to a frat party that night, and asked what I was up to–NOT if I want to go with him, by the way. I wasn’t doing a damn thing. But of course, I chickened out and told him that I had some studying to do. He tried to convince me once more, but I couldn’t bring myself to say yes. We hugged goodnight as we parted. I remembered him smelling faintly of Polo Sport. Sure, I could’ve just imagined his invite to “hang out” to be more than it was. But still, what would have come out of that night if I actually spent more time with the guy?

So yeah, I do have a couple of “What if” moments. I had serious self-image issues when it came to my interactions with guys back then, a result of growing up in an all-girl Catholic school, having 2 overly protective older brothers, and having always been great friend with guys. When a thought of a boy possibly be interested in me crossed my mind, it freaked me out and made me absolutely self conscious and therefore dismissed myself as being good enough to deserve any guy’s attention.

Obviously I eventually got over that issues. Heheh.

Other than those 2 missed moments, I had also been inspired by a couple of the past dealings with boys in my life. My first attempts at poetry/songwriting in high school were purely the results of my crush on the Golden Boy. (*Addition – almost a year later – it’s Grant. Okay. I’m mature enough to say it. There you go.) Mr. Popularity and scholar, way the hell out my reach but he’d say hi to me once in a while. (Yeah, at least he knew my name and acknowledged my existence!) And oh how that fueled my affection for the guy! Oh my god how I used to dream about him!

And then one of my very best songs was inspired by a guy friend who I had a feeling that he might have a crush on me. I’d never ever know that for sure. But the song is in a perspective of someone who finally professes the hidden feelings to her object of affection.

The only person I could think of that I connected to in a soul mate level, I hadn’t lost him. As the matter of fact, I jumped him, and I haven’t let him go even when he tried to break up with me.

And now he’s in bed. Go figure how that works out. 🙂

Oh yes. The good old story of Oakley’s determination to not let Brandon go. It’s stuff of legend. Ask Brandon, and he’ll tell you that he didn’t want to really go out with me, and that I ambushed him when his mind wasn’t in the right place. According to my account, he did tell me he gave it a thought to the possibility of us being together. Looking back on it, I think he was just trying to get into my pants. HAHAHA!

Yes. He was setting up the computer systems for HSX’s big Oscar party back in 2000. Setting up O2K took a lot out of him and other tech guys. Since they were in a suite on the very top floor of a hotel on Sunset Strip, I asked if I could come hang out. The boys said sure. So it was nearly 2 a.m. when we were finally left alone and I said to Brandon, “Hey, have I thrown myself at you enough yet? Let’s really go out.”

Brandon said he didn’t want to go out with me, but he was delirious by that point so he didn’t say no. And because we were friends before all of this, he didn’t have the heart to revert his decision the next few days, especially that it had only been a month since my break-up with my long time ex. So he let it go for a few weeks before telling me that, “I don’t want to be with anybody right now”.

I knew what he meant was “I want to break up with you”. But I also knew that I just can’t let him go. He’s it. I wasn’t about to give this up so easily. I’ve always play nice, and this time I’m not going to finish last.

Since he never actually said the words “I want to break up with you”, I didn’t acknowledge that statement. Instead I took his hands, looked him in the eyes, and said, “Okay, sweetie. Hope you have a good weekend alone. I’ll just see you on Monday at work.” He must’ve thought I was dense. But look where my perseverance has taken us?

I do believe in fate and destiny. After all, as a Buddhist, I believe in karma. My life has been laid out before me, but that course will change depending on my actions.

I believe that we can make our own destiny if we can get over our fears. Fear cost me 2 opportunities to date very intelligent and handsome men in college. Fear wasn’t going to cost me the love of my life.

There are many, many things I could have been and I could have done. I’m not completely fearless, but I’m hoping to eventually get over it. With the wise words from Strictly Ballroom as my guidance: a life lived in fear is a life half lived.

1 Comment

  1. 'Mazing Amy   •  

    I know what you mean– I spent a long time feeling like I’d passed up the guy I was supposed to be with and systematically finding and re-dating all my exes from college. lol And Serendipity–that just reminds me of the infamous MN and i, you know? 😉

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.