Wide awake

I have a glass of wine in me. And my body screams “Go to bed already you stupid bitch.” But my mind ain’t having any of that.

I’m tired. But my brain is racing.

I can’t seem to turn off the music that keeps popping into my head. I guess that’s just me adjusting to having music device in my life again. Brandon bought me a beginner’s kit of Lexar JumpDrive Sport MP3 player. Stick a USB flash drive into your computer, get your music, and stick the drive into the player. The one we bought only have room for about an album and a half, but it’s much better than going through one CD at a time, or sitting in silence at work, or flipping through the channels on my commute home. (I have Kevin & Bean in the morning, so no need for a player then.)

I’m also a little nervous about seeing my doctor tomorrow. It’s my follow up appointment for my ankle. It has been over 6 weeks. And the damn thing still hurts occasionally despite my taking an Aleve everyday (because we all know how Ibuprofen made me insane) and keeping it wrapped. I guess my ankle just doesn’t like me carrying heavy things since I was hauling cargo back and forth yesterday as I moved my office. It’s been swollen all evening and the nagging pain returned.

I’m just afraid Dr. Pham is REALLY going to put me in a cast. Perhaps I could persuade her to not put one on me until after the New Mexico trip. We shall see. (By the way, you can see the pictures from previous trips to Red River on my home page. The link is up there in the corner.)

A lot is going to happen once we get back from our one week in mountain paradise. Brandon’s big side job would be rolling by the time we get back. While he’s busy doing that, I’d be in West LA in Quark Xpress class from 9-5:30 for 4 Saturdays. A LOT of things will be set in motion then. I’m nervous about that too, but I’m not going to worry too much about it.

One day at a time. Make do with what I’ve got.

To many people, it’d seem that I’m too passive about my life. A wee bit too Hakuna Matata. Perhaps so. But in a way, the not very religious me comes to terms with the core concept of Buddhism: balance.

Anything in excess causes suffering. For example, I can worry about how my life is going, but worrying about it too much is excessive and therefore causes me to suffer.

I am content with what I have in my possession. After all, another Buddhist teaching, none of the material things matter–it doesn’t go with you when you die. I am content with where my life is going, with a roof over my head, food on the table, husband beside me, and both of us good health. Okay, fine…in okay health.

I’m just not all that worried about anything right now. But I’m doing the best I can not to worry about Brandon.

A polar opposite of me, Brandon carries a burden. A problem solver, he sees that our situation could be better, and he wants to fix it so badly it causes him stress. I had a conversation with him just the other day about this whole not-worrying thing. My way doesn’t work for him. He couldn’t help himself but be stressful about the way things are.

THAT worries me, coming home to see him stressed all the time and there is nothing I could do to help. Behold the vicious circle, Brandon does notice that I’m worried about him being stressed and therefore stressed out about not appearing too stressed out for me so I could be happy, etc. etc.

Unfortunately, financial gain would relief a lot of stress around here. But the odds of winning the Lotto are against us.

Then again, when the time is right, things will go our way. I have the patience.


  1. Rude Cactus   •  

    Relax. Breathe deeply. Oh, and your body’s pretty mean to you about the whole wine thing.

  2. Amazing Amy   •  

    Anything in excess causes suffering. For example, I can worry about how my life is going, but worrying about it too much is excessive and therefore causes me to suffer.

    I LOVE THIS. Chris needs to practice it. Sigh.

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