I hate that word. Cancer.

“Hi, mom. Happy Birthday! The maid said you and Aunty Aor are heading to the doctors so I called you on your cell.”

“Oh, thank you, sweetie! Yeah we’re on our way again. The morning appointment was cancelled so this is round two. Why don’t you call back tonight when your dad and your brothers are home and we’ll talk?”

“Dad and Onk aren’t home? Where the heck are they?? How dare they leaving you alone on your birthday!?!?”

“Oh they’re in Chiang Mai. They’ll be back for dinner with me tonight. Call me when you wake up then, okay?”

“You’ll tell me what the doctors say tonight, okay?”

“Okay. Love you. Bye.”

What a bunch of lies.

According to my dad who called from out of town last night, during the conversation you’ve just read, I have absolutely no idea they have found a grape-size cancer in my mom’s liver on Friday. She went in for her routine 3-month x-ray and blood work, and they found the damn cancer in her liver.

It wasn’t fucking there 3 months ago! And now, here it is. The size of a grape.

Metastatic lung cancer is what it is–the lung cancer that has spreaded to the liver. According to dad, they haven’t found any trace of any other cancer anywhere else. But this is stage IV my friend, it’s in her blood stream so it’ll pop up anywhere and anytime. The research I’ve read so far, she could have one in the brain too. I wonder if they did a CAD scan.

According to dad again, the doctors are putting her on maximum dose of chemo very soon. I think she might have just gone in today for her first dose. May be. I don’t know. Of course I don’t fucking know. I’m not supposed to know about this whole damn liver at this point!

And why they didn’t fucking put her on chemo after her surgery last time is beyond me. And everyone was fine with it. Dad said the chief surgeon was confident she doesn’t need chemo. And the rest of the doctors concurred. They said that if that was all the cancer there was, chemo would’ve just wrecked her health. So they didn’t go for it.

And guess what, assholes. Here it fucking is, eating up my mom’s liver.

What has she ever done to deserve this stupid cancer anyway? She doesn’t smoke. She doesn’t drink. Hell, she gave up red meat almost 15 years ago. My oldest brother who smoked should’ve gotten it. My other brother who drinks should’ve gotten it. I who love beef should’ve gotten it.

Like dad jests, she’s suffering for all of our sins.

Dad wanted me to be prepared for this news. I’ll hear it from mom’s own mouth in about 10 hours. That’s what mom was pushing for, the conversation with the family. Dad also wants me to prepare for the fact that we won’t have mom with us forever.

Being a buddhist, we ALL should know that. You’re born. You age. You get sick. You die. That’s the cycle. No one can escape that.

But I’m not willing to accept defeat yet. I’m nowhere near ready to give up my mom. As far away as I am. As much as I have that love-hate thing with my mom, I DO LOVE MY MOM.

I’m sure my mom’s not giving up either. Hell, all the Aunties would kick her ass if she even mutters the notion. They won’t let her give up like that. And neither will I.

Call it false hope. But I’m not giving up my mom to this stupid cancer.

Fuck the statistics! I’m sure my mom will stick around with us until she sees a grand child. And I ain’t having mine unless she’s going to be around to raise him/her. If she wants to see her half-and-half grandchild, she’ll have to stick around!

After I hear from the horse’s mouth, then we’ll plan my trip home for my brother’s wedding in February.

And make future plan just in case of a surrender…


  1. Amazing Amy   •  

    Oh honey! I am so so so sorry to hear that. But you know what? Having witnessed what Erika went through–sometimes it pops up out of nowhere fast. She had implants done FOUR months before the grape sized stage III lump they found. She had a mammogram before the implants and everything was fine, four months later she was being hit with the maximum dose of chemo they can give a human and not kill them… Oh Oakz, I hate that your mom is going through this, that you are going thru this. I’ll be praying for her and for you!

  2. lillian   •  

    I’m soo sorry about what your mum has to go through !
    Being on the other side of the world makes it all harder for you too. hang in there !

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