I slept from 8:30 p.m. to 10 a.m. this morning.

Yes, that would be PST. I am back, y’all.

I did wake up, startled, a few times last night, a little disoriented as where I was and what time it was, and I tossed and turned for a good hour or so around 3-4 a.m. Brandon handed me the phone around 6 a.m. which I muttered something to Nhien. I don’t really remember what I said then and she told me later she didn’t understand what I said either but figured that meant I wasn’t coming in today.

Well, at least I didn’t leave a message in Thai.

I am employing the “staying in the sun during daylight hour” method the best I can to beat the jet lag. I drudged out to get lunch and some grocery shopping all over town and probably will get back out and wash the car here in a minute. I actually don’t really remember my drive. This is a little scary.
My body thinks it’s almost 6 a.m. so I think I’ll feel less groggy soon.

Oh god. The bed looks really really comfy…it’s dark in there…and cool…..


Partly, I think the reason why I just want to crawl into bed and stay there is the piece of news from dad last night.

They met with oncologist and he confirms that there is a cancer spot in my mom’s left lung, the side untouched originally. They didn’t see it earlier at the other hospital because it was the spot behind her heart. The new x-ray came in from a different angle and that is when they saw it.

Pretty much all we can do is treat whatever conditions mom has aside from cancer. Right now, it’s the lung infection. And whatever is going on with her digestive tracks. Yet another mystery to solve. Can someone please call Dr. House?

Dad said we’re looking at a month or two. But hey, mom has marched on for two years…not too good of a quality of life the past 4 months, given…but hey, she’s still around.

Dad also said to be prepared for the worst. “Tamm Jai” in Thai, literally means “prepare your heart”, but pretty much for you to accept what is to come, to surrender to the inevitable.

I told him that I am prepared.

It was really hard leaving mom’s side the other day. I did ask if she’d miss me, and she blinked “yes”. I said goodbye and my voice started to quiver.

I didn’t cry in front of her. She doesn’t need that. Not from me.

Can I just go to sleep and wake up when I need to go home? Can I? Please?


  1. Olaina   •  

    I’m sorry Oaks!

    “Prepare your heart”–that’s really beautiful. You’ll have to teach me to pronounce it in Thai.

    Anything I can do for you? I’d even come up there… though I’d probably train it… that drive has gotten really old.

    Re. treating her symptoms…. I know it’s not in your hands, but (as you know) with us we had to decide whether continuing to treat the stuff she got (like pneumonia, infections, etc.) was better for her, or if it was better to just make her comfortable and let nature take its course. Yeah, she told us what she wanted, so it made it easier to remove the food tube and just move to morphine instead, but if you’re mom hasn’t ever said anything about it is it something your family can discuss? (Is there even such a discussion in Thai culture? Are there DNRs and Powers of Attorney?)

    The other day my dad wanted us all to respect him (via Indian culture) more. Needless to say we were bewildered, given that my parents have spent since their teens trying to be as “American” as white bread. (OK–maybe a little over-toasted-burnt on the outside, but still… white bread… with a little cumin on top.)

    hugs! OA

  2. Lillian   •  

    Oh I’m sorry too.I totally understand you just want to sleep!!!! Hang in there.. thinking of you.

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