It’s almost a week since I got back. And I still feel a little off.
I can’t blame it all on jet lag, although it does affect me quite a bit. But something else in my head–or heart–is broken from this trip and it seems to change everything.
I don’t think the OakMonster you know is here any more.
I know this. But I can’t seem to go back to where I was.
Everything changed the moment I stepped into the same room as my mother. And with every bit of news that come after that furthers my descend into someplace darker than I thought I could go.
Knowing in my heart that this is MY own journey. This is MY burden to bear. This IS the emotional roller coaster I should ride alone because the passengers, although willing, shouldn’t be dragged down in to this pit of my family’s tragedy.
So, this is what Frodo feels like with the Ring around his neck.
God…I REALLY sound like an emo kid…
Oaks, this pit is not a place anyone should travel into alone. You know that’s what friends are for–you would have killed me if I didn’t let you guys down there with me. 😉 And then what would I have done?!?
You’re right, though. None of us are the same after enduring these levels of emotional experience. But this shitty growing up thing that apparently continues into our 30s and beyond is not something we have to do alone. We just don’t get to cry on our parents’ shoulders like we used to cry. That’s what our husbands and friends are for–and, unlike our family members, we get to pick them, so they might actually be more comforting (at least in some cases).
I just took an Ambien, so I’m going to stop writing before I fall asleep on the keyboard, but I’ll talk to you soon, OK? Maybe you should have some lavender infused creme brulee. Wanna go to the zoo? They have monkeys there. And lions and tigers and bears!
Here’s a rendition of a line I want to use in a book one day but just need to store for now:
As they walked together after dinner, all adults now, a daughter heard her mother say to her son, “This little girl was crying and begging me not to leave you guys, but what really got to me was you saying, ‘I just don’t like the idea of you driving around all alone out there.'”