World in Technicolor

50 days have passed since my mom passed away.

My dad and brothers went to feed the  bedridden monks at Chulalongkorn hospital in my mom’s honor.  She liked to do that.  (Oh yes, and the money you donate to the Thai Red Cross does go there as well.)  And as I mentioned, Aunty Tim, May, Brandon and I went to Wat Pathammachat to pray and to feed the monks, the healthy ones that is.

50 days also marks the point where we can come out of mourning.  I have been wearing black, white and grey clothing since mom passed away.  Thai people called it “Wai Took” or “wear your grief”.  The only day I didn’t wear the mourning color was the day we went to “float” her remains.  We were supposed to be happy for her then.  At least on the outside.  My brothers and I originally weren’t going to “Wai Took”.  Mom didn’t want us to be sad for her.  But my dad went ahead with it and so I decided to do the same.

Wednesday was my first day in color.  I wore my favorite outfit of brown polo shirt and brown and pink stripe pants.  A good start on getting back on the color side of things.

Not until I got on the bus this morning did I realize that I was once again in my desaturated hues.  Apparently I just reached for my usual black top and charcoal pants.

It’s so odd to have to think about color now.

I wonder if switching my wardrobe would make me feel less empty inside.

And just for that, tomorrow I’m going to wear my new–well, as of this last trip–red striped Esprit shirt I wore to my mom’s last boat trip.  She would’ve loved that shirt.

That ought to have been what I wore the first day out of mourning.  But hey, it’s never too late to start healing.  Even if it’s from the outside in.


  1. Olaina   •  

    Definitely go with the shirt she would have loved. I inherited some of Toni’s clothes, so when I wear her red GAP hoodie I feel like I’ve got this tough yet loving woman with me. It’s really weird, because I feel and think things that never really happened, since I only knew her when she was sick. But still, she’s there in the clothes, and the veggie plate, and the Chili’s or the good beer…

    I don’t think it ever goes away. I don’t know if it should. Maybe the feeling of emptiness that you’re talking about lessens, but you’ll probably always think of her at those moments that you wish your mom was there.

  2. OC G33K   •  

    Thanks for sharing that, it was pretty interesting to read about the culture & mourning process. Take care. -C.F.

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