Oh Matt. Matty Matt, Matt.
What’s with the ‘stache, bro? WHAT’S. WITH. THE. ‘STACHE?!?!
When are people going to take this USC Quarterback Facial Hair Curse seriously? It has been consistent almost every year! Sanchez. Booty. Leinart. Palmer.
“What is WRONG with the team today?!?”
“Wait. Was that…? Is that…?? Oh my GOD, it’s the fucking mustache!!!!”
With at least once per quarterback, this happened.
Gridiron Goddess Amy and I have the same discussion every single year when USC football team crashed and burned when they shouldn’t have. It’s been YEARS of this and nobody ever paid attention.
“Uncharacteristic suckage” is what I called the effect of the Curse. It’s not like the team consistently suck. This ain’t Hackett years. We are a good team. A GREAT team, even. But out of the blue, something went horribly wrong. Either the QB got injured or the team suffered a loss even the players seem to not know what happened.
The mustache has strange, mysterious, dark powers.
It wasn’t like we were lamb to the slaughter against Stanford. We went in a lion but somehow your attempt at a mustache magicked us into kittens who couldn’t hold on to a ball, tackle our opponents, or protect our QB.
Our mojo. Whoosh! Out the window. Gone.
It’s the mustache.
If you don’t trust us, yank a few hair off that lip fuzz and give it to a friend. If they started acting out of character, then you know we’re right. (Then again, it might only work because the ‘stache is on your face. Effects may vary, I guess.)
So, Matt, darling. Listen to Aunty OakMonster. Shave the patch off your face and I guarantee you, you will lead USC to victory on Saturday and dance right back down the road to Heisman.
ETA: For a complete Cal game preview that is not completely based on superstition, head on over to read Amy’s on Bleacher Report.
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