Everybody Hurts

I wrote this originally on June 9, a day after the death of Anthony Bourdain, all on my phone. Something I don’t usually do, but I had to get it off my chest.

Entering the Anger stage of grief over here. Getting really annoyed at people talking about depression as if you have to be visibly crying and moping in public all the time, or that they should have reached out for help instead of keeping their problems to themselves.

It doesn’t work that way.

Depression drags you down, makes you feel worthless, useless, and unimportant so much so that you are ashamed of all that it makes you feel. You hide it. You don’t and won’t ask for help because depression makes you think you don’t deserve the help, that nobody is going to help you because, why should they, you’re worthless. You can’t just snap out of it and decide to be happy because your brain and body are already out to betray you.

I have been there when my mother passed. I didn’t even know what it was. I had moments when I looked at my husband and thought he did not deserve this kind of treatment from me and that life would be better for him if I wasn’t here, that EVERYONE’s life would be better if I wasn’t here. I knew in my heart I was wrong about that, but my brain told me I was probably right. I told myself then I could snap myself out of this but I couldn’t. I did get professional help, and I came out of it relatively unscathed and began healing myself and fixing the relationships.

But now I know the signs. I know the feeling. To tell you the truth, I did have some moments here and there recently when I felt helpless, and that’s usually my warning sign. Thanks to the therapy after my mom’s passing, I have the tools to recognize the sign and know what to do before I fall too far. I would reach out, talk it out, hug it out before I fold into myself.

Many people don’t have the tools. They don’t know what to do, and depression drags them further down. And most people, like me, don’t show any outward signs that we’re wrestling with our demons.

So, for people to judge someone who is silently suffering, it really is pissing me off right now. While I acknowledge it’s a part of my grieving, it tells me how much people are clueless about mental health issues. We all can use a little more education on that.

Be well out there.


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