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Grief: A West Side Story Story

TLDR: I burst into tears during “America” number in Steven Spielberg’s West Side Story and it took me 30 minutes to write this and process what the hell just happened.

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So, I’m watching Steven Spielberg’s West Side Story and we get to “America.” Somewhere as they were dancing in the streets, tears well up in my eyes. Just as my mouth moves to ask myself, “What the hell?” The memories flood my brain.West Side Story is one of my mom’s favorite musicals. You could sometimes catch her humming “Maria” or “Tonight” out of the blue.

Around 14 or 15, I took singing classes and the showcase theme was Broadway. All the individual voice students would come together to perform “America.” My mom was so thrilled! I was kind of excited too but I wasn’t into the lessons at that time.

You see, I thought I would go in and sing and sing and sing, but instead, half the class was warm-ups and the other was diaphragm exercises–as in she had me sing while holding a pilates V position! (Apparently, according to her, that helps strengthen my diaphragm and therefore better breath control. /shrug/) And then maybe, just maybe, I might get to sing a song standing up at the end of class.

I was supposed to hold the V pose every day while I practice at home! You already know me and how I feel about working out and you know that wasn’t going to happen.

So I studied the music and ran the warm-ups, but didn’t really do the workout. I learned every line and every note of “America.” But alas, I still couldn’t hold the V pose while singing anything and the instructor didn’t like that. She eventually dropped me from the showcase a few weeks before the show because apparently I didn’t take her instructions seriously and therefore I wasn’t serious about being a vocalist and so she didn’t want to spend any more energy on me.

I took whatever lessons I had learned from that class and I never went back to that music school again.

Looking back on it over the years, I felt like I let my mom down but she actually was more disappointed we didn’t get the refund for the rest of the month of lessons. She was just happy that she could share her love for WWS with me.

Life can be bright in America
If you can fight in America
Life is all right in America
If you’re all white in America

That was the line that triggered my flood of emotions. Those lyrics I’ve sung a hundred times before and I watched original WWS many times since my mom passed. Why is it that I’m crying at this line right now? It hasn’t been a good few years to be Asians in America, to be honest. I didn’t think I was affected by it other than feeling angry, but apparently, my subconscious has been keeping a tab.

And this moment in WWS was when the bills come due.

Grief for my mom, my childhood, and simpler time pre-pandemic. All of that emotional baggage came tumbling out through my tears like the dancers spilling into the streets of Manhattan.

And I also now realized why, on an instinctive level, I didn’t like pilates when I tried it the first time.

Beware the Young Girls

Brandon’s niece stayed with us for a week for 4th of July. This bright, tall, almost 15 years old young woman is usually quiet, but she perks up when the conversation is something she’s interested in.

Like animals. (14 pets–five cats, one dog, one rabbit, five chicken, and two horses.)

Or swimming. (We made a mermaid out of her this trip!)

Or Harry Potter.

She wants to be a vet tech someday.

And see the world.

I can’t wait to help her get to wherever she wants to go. It’s going to be a great destination.

Life with the Beatles

I grew up on the Beatles.

When your parents were both educated in England during the 1960s mod era, those would be the records they brought home. (Well, dad did.)

There were also Elvis Presley and the Carpenters, but the mainstay was usually John, Paul, George, and Ringo.

My parents were so Anglophile-posh with their musical choices that I didn’t know the hippie period of the Beatles until much later on in life. That also means that I also had no idea who the Rolling Stones or David Bowie was. Elton John was introduced into the pool just enough to get us interested in the pianist/singer with flamboyant costumes and glasses, so we’d stick with our piano lessons. Forget any other American classic acts outside of the Carpenters and Elvis! (No, I didn’t know Frank Sinatra until later too!)

We had all kinds of songbooks at home, and there would always be some Beatles music in them. Any time we started in on a Beatles song, wherever mom was in the house, she’d turn up at the piano to listen.

I was never able to verify this, but mom said dad used to change “Hey Jude” to “Hey Noi” during their courtship.

“Michelle” was one of her favorites too. She didn’t know all the words, nor the French version.

There were so many songs we knew by heart just from all the records they used to play. And many songs I’ve learned about along the way.

The funny thing is, maybe because I started with the Beatles, it seems their music kept popping up in my life.

When I was at the international summer camp at 12 years old, I’d play “Let It Be” for my friends to sing along. “From Me to You,” and “Yellow Submarine” were all popular at our camp because of one of the performances from the older kids.

The Thai pop idol during my teen years sang a cover of “I saw her standing there” and put that song on top of the country’s consciousness. I remembered my mom excitedly told me, “That’s a Beatles song!”

“Yesterday” was one of the very first songs I learned to sing in a proper voice lesson. I remember the teacher asked me to pick any song out of the school’s songbook. Of course, I picked Yesterday. I already knew how it goes!

When my oldest brother returned from England for the summer, he’d often leave his music behind. One year, he left behind his old Discman–such a novelty at the time–and a stack of CDs. One of them was “Revolver.” I didn’t know about the Beatles experimental phase. So when some of the songs took a psychedelic turn, I thought I had broken the player!

For my wedding, I chose “In My Life” for father-daughter dance. That was one of the songs I learned about later on in life and not one from our family catalog. I wanted to add it to our family history.

Naturally, after mom passed away, I haven’t been able to listen to some of the songs without bursting into tears.

For a while, I couldn’t get through “Hey Jude.” but I was determined to learn it on the piano, to do it justice as a tribute to my mother. I eventually stopped tearing up/crying when I started to play.

However, I can’t even with “Let it be.”

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be

Cue immediate waterworks.

And that was even before I heard Paul McCartney told James Corden about how he came to write that song.

[youtube=https://youtu.be/QjvzCTqkBDQ]

That Carpool Karaoke episode got all my feels.

The joy of my childhood. The giddiness of seeing Paul stomping around Liverpool. The grief of losing my mother. And how much she would have enjoyed this episode.

Of course, they had to end it with “Hey Jude.”

I thought I’ve made peace with that song. At least when I sing it alone at my piano or with my friends at karaoke.

Paul McCartney’s live performance got me sobbing.

Grief really doesn’t go away, you guys. It just sits there as your life grows over it. One day, it’ll pop back up to remind you that you’re human.

And when the brokenhearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer
Let it be

Oh, goddammit…

Day 20: Taste of Home

5 Thoughts

You know you’re still sick when you turned down cake. Seriously.
Worse yet when you look at a picture of bacon and your mind says meh.
And all I wanted to eat today was crunchy, crispy, salty things.
And tea or warm things to drink.
I didn’t think I would be able to eat dinner either when I went to dinner with my aunt’s family. But being around family in front of plates of Thai food, that kind of changes things. 3 servings of rice, Tom Yum broth, and Thai omelet with Sriraja Panich (aka the REAL Sriracha) later, I think I’m cured now.

Today’s Photo

Toothless and Stitch. My favorite little monsters!

Breakfast

Orange juice.

Second Breakfast

Fage FruYo Strawberry Banana yogurt with granola.

Damn that yogurt is GOOD! It’s like eating a Banberry pie filling.

Elevensies

Snapea Crisps.

Seriously. Just can’t eat.

Lunch

Broth of Dr. McDougall’s Big Cup Soup Tortilla with Baked Chips.

Anything else in there was kind of gross.

Afternoon Tea

Some croutons.

Nope. Still can’t eat.

Supper

Thai omelet, Tom Yum broth with some mushrooms, mixed vegetable stir-fry, and jasmine rice at Thai Place.

Taste of home among family. First full meal in 2 days. Best. Ever!

Dinner

Nyquil. What else? 🙂

For those who just now joined in, here’s why I’m going on “The Hobbit Diet” of eating seven times a day for a month.

Counting my 2013 Blessings

I know I usually do a 2013 recap here with all of my high points and low points of the year. 2013 has been a year of great things. You could say it might have been one of the best years of my life.

So, instead of the usual recap, I’d like to actually, literally, count my blessings.

Blessing #1: A Permanent Job

Since I moved on from the last permanent job in 2011, I was freelancing for about 12 months of the 24 years of being unemployed. My last temp assignment was to Frieda’s Specialty Produce. It was supposed to be part-time for 2 weeks but ended staying on longer, and longer, until I became a permanent member of the Frieda’s family.

I couldn’t have asked for a better job! I am doing social media and marketing with a touch of PR for a produce company where I get to talk about food all day long, and test recipes and style a plate for photography here and there. And best of all is the commute…all 1.5 mile of it.

As for Brandon, he finally gets to make some awesome career moves he’s been working hard toward for a couple of years now. So, yes, this year has been awesome for the both of us job-wise.

Blessing #2: Running

I am NOT athletic in anyway. Sure, I used to play tennis but I was no good at it. I was a dancer but I was never going to be on So You Think You Can Dance. But running? In a million years, I would never thought I’d end up running.

Unemployment was definitely a low point but as they said, you don’t make a change until you hit rock bottom. And I was there when I decided to get off the couch and onto the road. February 2013 was my first 5K race ever, and I continued to race throughout the year. My time hasn’t gotten any better, but it was not the point. The point is that I am RUNNING! Slow as all hell, but I’m doing it. Brandon got me a heart rate monitor for Christmas so I can train better.

And maybe, just maybe, I might be able to run the 5K in less than 45 minutes.

What surprises me more is that I have NOT given up on running. One of my headbands said it best: I love running, I hate running, I love running, I hate running. Somewhere inside my head, I do enjoy the benefits of running while another part of me hates it. But I love the freedom that comes with running. I don’t have to stick to a set schedule like the dance classes I used to take. I can run almost whenever I feel like it, as much or as little as I want.

I’m not sure if it really offsets my caloric intake but if I haven’t gained any weight and my blood work is spectacular. I guess I am sticking with running, a blessing that keeps on giving!

Blessing #3: Friends

2013 has been a spectacular year of friendship. I spent a lot of quality time with my BFF Nora per my goal to see her at least once a month. We lapsed a little bit in December but it’s the holiday season so I think we’re okay with that.

My friendship with my cosplay buddy Christine, the better half of Team Wicket, is in full bloom. We don’t just do conventions together but we hang out all the time. 3 conventions, and one each of an Otto & Victoria book signing, Renaissance Faire, and Victorian Christmas event this year will be hard to top. But there are so much more adventures ahead!

OakMonster - Team Wicket and Animal — Team Wicket as Beaker and Dr. Bunsen featuring Animal (aka Brandon)

This year also brought us some new friends and next door neighbors: Andrew, Briley, and baby Jameson. It’s weird to be full-grown, responsible adults and yet we’d still leave our door open and so we can party with each other across the hallway as if we were still in a college dorm. I also got to visit Pim of Chez Pim–and soon, Kin Khao Thai Eatery in San Francisco—and took her famous jam making class at Love Apple Farm in Santa Cruz. It’s an amazing to witness Pim doing all the things that she does!

The topper of it all is actually happening as I type this. My best friend from Thailand, Tong, is in town. Right now! The original plan was for me to just see them twice as they transit through LAX in December and then again on New Year’s Day. But they extended their trip so they could spend a few more days in Southern California with me. They’ve just gotten back from a full day at Disneyland and California Adventures. I really didn’t know how much homesick I have been until they showed up at my door. I really do miss my friends!

Blessing #4: Family

If you’ve been reading this blog a while, you’ll know that my family is a little broken and is half a world away, and I love them still. I didn’t get to see them this year, but we’ve solidify a plan for me to fly home for Memorial Day 2014, so that’s a good thing.

However, my biological family isn’t the only family I have. I got to visit my American host family, the folks who hosted me when I came to the US 20 years ago. Bob and Bonnie moved to Hollister many years ago and I haven’t been able to visit them. I had a chance to do so last summer on my way to see Pim. I also got to visit Brandon’s family over Thanksgiving. His nieces are all tweens now and are both wonderful young ladies.

And then yet another surprise. My cousin Toni, who I thought was living in Japan, turned up in Southern California. She finally got herself a car so she drove out to spend the weekend with me last weekend. We haven’t seen each other for 10 years! And it was kind of funny how we’re pretty much the same person. We also discovered that she has my mom’s slender hands and I have her mom’s wide hips and stocky legs. LOL

My mom would’ve been so happy to know that Toni and I are reunited at last.

These blessings may not be the winning Powerball numbers or a secret billionaire benefactor, but they all make 2013 memorable and awesome. What else can a girl ask for?

A Really Social Media

Every time I hear someone say that people are less connected now because of the internet and social media, I want to tell them it’s because they’re doing it wrong.

Since I started playing around on Twitter, I’ve met some interesting people and made great new friends, and even found some lost ones along the way.

Some of these people I have even a better relationship with them now that we can stay in touch much more easily. Most importantly, my connection to my friends and family in Bangkok has never been stronger.

My current visit to Bangkok so far has been one of the most adventurous trips yet. My dance card is more or less full everyday as I hang out with my friends and reconnecting with those I’ve lost touch with years ago. It would not have been this way without social media.

Before Facebook, it was difficult to connect with friends whom I have not spoken to in a while, and it was even more challenging to arrange to meet in a group.

And here I am, running off to lunch with people I have not seen in several years.

For example, there are two girls I used to take tennis classes with who eventually became so good of friends I’d get to hang out at their house for days on end in the summer. I haven’t seen them since I left for the US (although they are now friends with my oldest brother) almost 20 years ago now. And I’m having lunch with them Friday.

Another sibling team I will reconnect with on Thursday were once close friends of the family. Our dads worked together and our moms became good friends. The oldest brothers went to high school in England together, and I went to English immersion program with the youngest brother with his middle doing the same thing at a school nearby. Everyone grew apart. But I found them once more on Facebook. Guess who’s running out to lunch at the brothers’ restaurant on Thursday?

And then, I get to hang out with–and hopefully meet some–people I have met and became friends with over the internet. I got to watch Glee finale with Kitty, my darling nerdling of a little sister and she took me out to dinner. We are trying to get some other Bangkok tweeps I have “met” online together for a tweet up next week. It would be such a treat.

Finally, the most important connection of all is to my family.

With two older brothers, it was hard to know what they were up to as they are not entirely chatty. But now I get to follow their lives along instead of being left in the dark as I have been most of the time.

I’ve reconnected with my cousins who had moved away and then ended up in New Zealand. And I’ve also found a few cousins on my mom’s side whom I wasn’t all that close to growing up and a few nieces and nephews from my father’s side I had barely met.

My mom’s best friend, Aunty Sida, ever the Coolest Aunty On the Planet, has been “playing Facebook” for sometime now. She’s doesn’t post much but she posts a lot of photos especially through Instagram. This artsy aunty needs an Instacanv.as shop! It’s great to see all her–and her group of friends’– adventures.

And of course, the last to join the social media fray, my father. His executive assistant has to check his Facebook for him and she still does his posts. However, now that dad has an iPhone, he browses around himself! And boy does he look at his phone every time it dings!

As a matter of fact, I taught him to use Instagram yesterday. See?

If you use social media correctly, it doesn’t stop you from going outside to play. It doesn’t make you a robot. It may not be the paper birthday cards or 2-hour phone calls it used to be, but it doesn’t make relationships less meaningful.