What if…

What if you’re not destined to greatness? What if you never get anywhere in life but where you are today? Corporate ladder never climbed. Managerial positions never achived.

What if you are a failure but you just haven’t realized it yet?

Those are a few questions I have asked myself everyday in the past week.

People around me seem to all have things to do and places to go. People getting promoted, loving their jobs. People doing what they love and getting paid for it. Friends achieving their life goals of being a writer, a filmmaker, a world traveler etc.

And I am just here. Toiling away at my work that is going nowhere. Banging on a piano, strumming my guitar, and singing my lung out as I usually do and still sound like a duck being forced into a pot of boiling water. Okay. At LEAST I’m better than Ashlee Simpsons, I know that. Working on songs I wrote years ago and crinching every time I play it out loud. Writing poems that read like a high school junior’s crush journal.

What if I’m just not blessed with the creative talents I have made myself believe I have? What if all of this is just me pretending to be creative?

What if my mother is right about keeping all of my “creativity” to myself? Has she always known that I have no talent, but she didn’t want to hurt my feelings? Have people only being nice to me out of pity because I don’t have anything else other than these false sense of importance to hold on to?

The girl’s damn awkward, short, and stupid. Let just leave her to the piano and the writing, at least she’d think she’s doing something right.

Rainy days. These are the days that bring out the worse case of self doubt, insecurity, and sense of failure.

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