Where am I?

April 23rd, 2006 2 Comments

Taking up yoga. Cleaning the house more often. Trying to do more with my life.

I think I’m trying to find me.

When I went home in February, I felt lost. I usually go home to relax, to enjoy my break, to recharge and reconnect. This time, most of the trip was hugely emotional. The last few days of it I finally ran away for a break. Although I did have a good time, deep inside I felt guilty for running off from my mom and actually enjoying not being the dutiful daughter I should’ve been.

When I got back to the States, we moved. Brandon and I hit a rough patch because of the stress about the move and my physical and emotional states. And I did have a major break down one night. Completely senseless.

And then, I started my “new life” with all the promises I make with myself and trying to keep them.

Keeping them is a hard part.

Like this weekend, I started to feel guilty after lounging on the couch watching Food Network for most of the morning that I attacked the rest of my chores so seriously, I even got mad at Brandon for not helping out. I felt like since I slacked this morning I must get everything done as planned and why isn’t he helping me?

I know that I should cut myself some slack. But it’s been many years of cutting myself some slacks and it seems I have just wasted away my “free time” and therefore I could never get around to anything or “have time” to do this and that.

It’s a delicate balance one have to maintain. And I guess that comes with being a grown up. I’m turning 30 this year, and I felt like I haven’t done anything worthwhile.

Although the 10 years old in me will never ever die, I will have to grow up some.

God. 30. I can’t fucking believe it…

2 Comments

  1. Syd says:

    First: I hope you find the you you’re looking for.

    Second: Like you haven’t done anything worthwhile? What is this madness? You only went to school and took everything you wanted to! Not to mention you have a nice job and a nice new pad. Haha, bringin’ the word back.

    Although I understand taking initiative in one’s life (since I have done so recently), don’t be too hard on yourself. Kapeesh? Kapeesh.

  2. Rude Cactus says:

    30…yeah…been there. It’s okay to take a step back and evaluate who you are and what you want. You HAVE to do that, actually. I hope you find what you want. I trust you will.

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