When you’re gone

I didn’t expect it, but writing up the 2007 Awards entry a few days ago stirred me up something fierce. I manage to lock up the emotions for a few days before facing a break down when I got in bed last night.

I miss my mom.

Revisiting last year brought up all sorts of feelings. The guilt. The shock. The sorrow. Even a few fond memories. And I didn’t even talk about it or mentioning it to anyone, not even Brandon. Instead, I marched onward with New Year’s Eve plans and didn’t even have time to think on it.

Well, I did have the time. But I filled those minutes by watching television and movies. I looked around the house and saw all the responsibilities I left behind while I sat mindlessly in front of the tube.

I wanted to be mindless. I didn’t want to think about anything because the moment that I did, it would be about missing my mom.

Finally, when I got in bed last night, I had the moment to think. Unfortunate timing, but just as I was letting my mind wander on its own, it walked right back to that part of the brain where mom lives.

I cried. And Brandon held me.

It’s like a flood gate just open up. I thought back on everything leading up to her death. I re-lived my last days with her when she was healthy and when I last saw her alive. I imagined what it was like on her last days.

For some reasons, I just couldn’t shake these thoughts. I am still on the verge of tears. And I can’t seem to keep my brain off of my mom.

Celeste told me there will be days like these. Days that you just woke up unable to do anything else but think of your mom. Days that it doesn’t matter what you do, you can’t shake the grief you’re feeling.

And today is one of those days.