Here’s the last words on the whole electionmanitzel fashizel (taken out the less relevant parts–sorry Jen) . Again, just in case you didn’t it the first time, the following message is brought to you by Jennsylvania.
November 9, 2004 – 5:03 PM
Step Aside, Dr. Phil
Later, I heard John Kerryâ€™s already gearing up for a possible 2008 bid for the presidency. Excuse me, sir? A little friendly advice? RELAX. Give yourself a minute to catch your breath. Why donâ€™t you take your wife on a nice cruise or something, you know, chill, kick back, maybe drink some banana liqueur cocktails before you make that kind of decision? (note to self: Stop thinking of Speedo-clad Kerry relaxing on the French Riviera. Because, really? Ick.)
After I returned from lunch, I heard how suicide hotlines and Canadian immigration officials have been inundated by those wanting to escape Bushâ€™s second term. Mental health professionals all over the country are working overtime to counsel those of you despondent over the election. Apparently you guys have been seeking post-election trauma therapy in droves!
Iâ€™m sorry to have to do this, but I think you folks need a little tough love, soâ€¦
GET A FUCKING GRIP ON YOURSELVES!
Pull it together! Youâ€™ve had a whole week to feel sorry for yourselves â€“ itâ€™s time to get on with your lives! Enough with the moping, wailing, and navel-gazing already! Move on! It may seem hard at first, but I know you can do it because you guys are AMERICANS! You and your ilk are responsible for the likes of John Wayne and the Ford Mustang and Microsoft, for crying out loud! And as Americans, you were spawned from the baddest motherfuckers ever to walk this earth! Those ancestors of yours huddled inside rickety old boats for weeks to get here, battling storms, seasickness, hunger, fatigue, and fear, carrying nothing with them but the will to live free. And you know what? These people â€“ your people â€“ helped create the greatest country in the world with the best form of government known to mankind.
Does that mean our system is perfect? No. Does it mean sometimes despite your hard work, your guy (or gal!) doesnâ€™t get elected, even though you know in your heart he or she was the better candidate? Yes.
And itâ€™s OK to be disappointed when it happens.
But donâ€™t let your displeasure with our system cause you to lose your peace of mind, toss away your citizenship – or worse, your life – over fears about the direction this country may or may not be heading BECAUSE YOUR TEAM DIDNâ€™T WIN.
It’s flat-fucking-ridiculous. You’re better than that.
Youâ€™ve had plenty of time to feel your feelings. Now itâ€™s time to organize. Rally. Act. Get off your therapistsâ€™ couch and use your pent-up energy to legally affect change.
So prepare to leather up, you nancy-boys and girls.
Because youâ€™re going to be OK.
P.S. My mother the therapist probably does not share my views on this particular post.
P.S. Also? If I could endure eight years of the fraternity party otherwise known as the Clinton Administration, you can deal with the benign President Churchy McJesus.
P.P.S. If Bush were so intent on imposing a stringent Christian lifestyle on everyone, wouldnâ€™t he have started with his kids? As it stands, Jenna and Barbara are one Jello shot away from starring in the Presidential edition of Girls Gone Wild.