Februarium – Day 3

Day Three, February 12: When you’ve loved.
Write either a brief history of your love life, or a single story about the love of your lifetime.

I guess you can say that I have lived a crush-full life. Most of my romantic inspirations are from my dreaming about some boy whom I befriended but never took it further, or else I just never spoke to. I wrote several journal-full about these boys, all these romance unrealized, love unrequited. But one day, one man said something to me that changed my love life altogether.

Given that my serious first celebrity obsession was Tom Cruise, my taste in men has been of a non-Thai streak. Go figure, I’m married to a blue eyed white boy now.

The first crush of my life was a blonde haired, blue eyed German boy named Fabian, or Fabi. I was 12 at the time, attending a month-long international camp in Australia along with one other Thai girl, 2 boys, and a guy chaperone. CISV, Children International Summer Village, program teaches the concept of peace and acceptance among different nations. And boy did I take that to heart! Fabi had a great smile. He had these fangs that were beyond cute to me. His codename between my Thai friend and I was, obviously, Jaws. My friend would start humming the theme song when he was near. The closest I ever got to him was at the camp’s formal where all of the boys were obligated, as good friends, to make sure each girl had at least 5 names on her dance card. We danced for half of a slow song I think.

I did a lot more traveling since CISV camp, and managed to find someone to have a crush on each time. In New Zealand, it was Taka from Japan. In England, it was Rafael, a very tall, brown haired, green eyed French-Swiss who somehow reminded me of young Travolta, come to think of it now.

Things started to change during my first visit to the US when my quiet crush strategy mutated into a last-minute confession, the “Oh well what the hell, I’ll never get to see you ever again anyway, so I might as well just tell you” strategy. During the send-off party for me and the group of Thai students which arrived a month after myself, I pulled my Swiss buddy Gian aside and confessed my affection to him. Gian said thank you for a beautiful friendship I have offered and gave me a hug. He was there at the school the next morning to send us off, and he is still in touch with me after 11 years.

Then in US high school, I had a mad crush on the Boy Who Shall Remained Nameless (since SMHS people do visit here too), although he was nice to me but socially we weren’t of the same plane of existence. I was going to pull a similar confession skid with Nameless at Grad Night, but I didn’t have the guts to do it because of the whole high school caste system thing giving me a very low self esteem.

Everything I knew about myself and how I “loved” changed at the end of my college freshman summer. I spent that summer living at my friend Jen’s house, and having a crush on one of her friends, Bruce. Tall, brown haired, and a goatee, and was a lifeguard for the summer. The last night before he went off to college in Northern California, they threw a party at his house. Again, I pulled him aside and told him that I had liked him all summer, and I wished him well. He looked at me and said, “I wish you would have told me this sooner. We could’ve done something about it.” Then he kissed me on the cheek and held me for a while.

I have never been the one boys fall over themselves over. I’ve always been the short, boney, bookish tomboy no one paid attention too. Bruce was the first boy/man whoever gave me the hope that, indeed, someone could be interested in me. Someone could actually love me.

So I asked my ex-boyfriend out. And then I flirted with another friend of Jen’s until we ended up making out all night.

And finally, I asked out my now husband. And when he hinted at breaking up with me because he “wasn’t ready to be with anyone right now”, I didn’t take no for an answer. Look where we are now.

So, Bruce. I owe it to you. I don’t know if you meant what you said to me that night, that you thought we could have dated if I was to have made my intentions known earlier, or if you were just being nice to me. It doesn’t matter now, because what you said has changed everything. ?If it weren’t for you, my crush-full life would have continued being so, and I wouldn’t have known LOVE.

So, yeah, man. Thanks.

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