Runneth Over

It’s funny how I came up with this long, insightful entry on the bus home the other day which you guys will get to read in the next few days. I felt happy with life. Content. Everything was going well.

It’s because I walled up everything else so well I even forgot that there is a wall.

Last night after a few trigger events, like the Berlin Wall, my emotional guard came tumbling down, and took with it my immune systems.

So, here I am. Sick and overwhelmed.

Some of you may have noticed that I have not talked about my mom much around here since I have returned from Thailand in August. Out of respect, perhaps. But mainly I wasn’t ready to see my mom in that light. The light that I realized I must face.

I probably won’t get to have my mom through 2007.

I had mentioned in past posts that the doctors were starting my mom on some kind of mild oral chemo, costing $65 a pill a day. It is NOT a cure, but a way to extend her life. So far, with my dad’s retirement plan as a former tenured professor of public university has covered the cost.

Now, with the new government realizing that they are flat broke after years of corruption, they are changing up the retirement plan and ruling certain write-offs out. You guess it. The $65 a day is on that list. The doctors are making an appeal to keep us subsidized for mom’s treatment.

It comes down to this.

If the drug works but we can’t write it off, we can’t afford to keep going. Same fate as if the drug doesn’t work. We won’t know until they could get her into a body scan.

Either way, it seems that last blink of hope is being snuffed out as we speak.

“My mom is not going to make it,” came out of my mouth for the first time ever a few weeks ago. I can’t believe I’m thinking it let alone saying it out loud many times last week.

I can’t believe I actually admit it. And I’m so utterly disgusted with myself for that.

And I walled up my rage, guilt, disappointment, anguish, sorrow and all other emotions with layers of sarcasm and small bricks of anger. Then I painted on a nice coat of Sunshine and Smiles. Everything is okay. Everything is fine.

Work has been super busy so that helped keeping up the wall as well. I’ve done it for so long and keeping up the front of the strong and jolly OakMonster that, like I said, a few days ago I actually feel happy. Truly happy. Until I realize I was putting up a front of happy.

Just like when I ice skated. I would be skating just fine until the moment I thought, “How do 2 skinny blades hold me up like this?” Then I’d take a tumble. The moment I question my happiness, I suddenly remember what is going on in the back room.

And then I crashed. Emotionally as well as physically.

And here you have a shell and a mess of the OakMonster, not knowing what to do or how to feel. There is the stuffy nose and I feel energy drains right out of me every few hours. And I don’t even know how to interact with people! Hence I stayed home today instead of being in the office. (Sorry, Demi Boss and Lady Boss. I just can’t handle it today.)

I want to call home for some news, but I’m afraid. I don’t think I could handle it at this point.

I don’t want to put up a happy front. Hell, ANY front. I just want to curl up with my emotions. Let them roam free for a day.

All day I have been trying to rebuild, putting one foot in front of the other, focusing on one step at a time. Brandon took a day off to support me–bless his heart.

I’m sure I’ll feel much better after I fry up the chicken and have dinner and watch some TV with Brandon. A bit of normal sets me in the right healing path, I hope.

6 Comments

  1. lilllian   •  

    I’m so sorry !! What shall I say.. hang in there !

  2. gnarlykitty   •  

    I really cannot imagine what you must be going through right now.. All I can say is that every one of your reader is here to support you no matter what. Keep blogging na P’ Oh, it helps with the draining.

  3. KorBua   •  

    Agree with Kitz… it helps when you write something down. Blogging is therapeutic. Hope you feel better soon. 🙂

  4. 'Mazing Amy   •  

    oh honey, I’m so sorry. ((((HUGS)))) I know its hard, but your friends are here for you!

  5. Oakley..I’m so sorry about what has happened with your mother and the illness she has been facing all along. I’m sure it is extremely hard for you to keep your happiness going when there are things like this occupying your mind. BUT I’m sure you mom wants you to stay happy regardless of what’s happening. The thing is that ‘the wall’ you have been building you help you feel better, it has to come down some times to let your emotions go. It sucks to have to feel bad, angry, sad etc, but eventually you will feel better. I know it is easy for me to say, but hard for you to do, but hey…that’s where the faith comes in. Hang in there.

  6. mikenan   •  

    It must be so hard to talk about it. But if you ever need anything… We are all here to support you.

    And I do agree with korbua, blogging is therapeutic.

    Hang in there… and we’ll see you in a couple of months!

    Nan

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