OakMonster’s Den

Sugar #1

My cousin May and her partner Eva win the gold medal in the women’s doubles competition at the 2007 Pan American Games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. And then May went on and win a bronze in mixed double. Go, May!

Sugar #2

While searching for pictures and stories about May’s victory last night, I came across an AP photo credited to Nicky, the conquering UCI grad and May’s little brother. How about that?!

Sugar #3

The summary of our big event on Wednesday was positive. Everyone had a great time and not much of complaints on our end. Turnout was fantastic.

Medicine

I talked to dad this morning and found out the story behind Aunty Sida’s cryptic email. My mom had a serious stomach ache on Monday which resulted in a massive panic among the aunties, as dad called it. They wanted him to book the temple, pick a picture, and find mom’s favorite clothes. Dad sounded pissed about that. As much of a realist as he is, you have to remember, my dad is also the King of Denial when he wants to be.

Much resistance and calls to doctors later, it turned out to be, well, nothing much but a belly ache. They don’t know why or how or what. But it has since gone away.

It is more difficult to treat my mom now that she doesn’t talk. You have to read her facial expressions and guess the symptoms to find out if something is wrong with her. She does cried out when something really hurts and she wants it to stop like how the nurses would try to lift her arm to change her cloths, or when the doctor presses on her stomach for tenderness.

And then the barrage of yes or no questions to be answered by the Star Trek system of blinking which mom may or may not reply to. But so far, when it comes to pain, she WILL respond.

Anyways. Dad says she’s doing better again. Nothing has changed except for the fact that she is sleeping more. I have to wait until closer to midnight here to call and say hello to her, hoping that she’s awake.

I can’t stay up until midnight tonight, but this is as late as I’m going to stay up.

So, off I go. See you guys later!

ETA: Got Kob the caregiver on the phone. She said to call mom in the morning their time, when I get home from work my time. Mom usually doses off in the afternoon with occasional second wind, but for sure, early AM works well. Apparently, dad doesn’t know nothing. Hahahahah!

And I’m not even going to sit at the couch. Na-ah. No, sir. Not me.

The couch/love seat has a similar power to our bed, at least on me because I can still sleep on it, believe it or not. Both the couch and the bed must some kind of a succubus or something. They lure you in for a nice little relaxing layabout and then WHAM! They trap you in with their soothing and super comfortable embrace, and suck all energy and sap your will to do anything else on your feet out of you. They would keep you there forever if they could have it their way I’m sure.

Anyway. I. Am. Super. Duper. Sleepy.

I almost didn’t make it home today. I found myself trying to sing in the car and downing my water to keep awake.

The event was done. It was hugely successful. We ran out of many things which was a good thing because we didn’t have anything to take back to the office.

Both fortunately and unfortunately at the same time, Nhien and I spent last night at the hotel where the event was held. Because we knew we were staying in town, we were working on the preparation until 11:30 p.m. (given that we took sometime off to grab a bite).

By the time we got the last of our stuff to the hotel, checked in, settled in and all of that, it was well over midnight.  Nhien took the first shower shift and by the time I came out  she was out cold. 1 a.m. was the time I turned off my light.  Unlike Nhien, I had trouble falling asleep for a bit, but then the next thing I knew the phone was ringing.  It was 5 a.m. and we were up and at ‘em.  What I just had was not a good night sleep but a really good 4-hour nap.

Not really enough sleep to get you through the day, but with a cup of coffee and some chocolate, a girl could get through the morning event, late morning wrap-up, lunch meeting, and throwing afternoon office party.

Suffice to say why I am incredibly sleepy right now but I shall not nap. It took me all these times to get over my jet lag. I’m not about to throw it all away!

But man, staying awake is really, really hard! Hahah!

Whoever said that bad things always happen in three is a fucking liar.

Before I left for Thailand, we had a string of deaths in our circle. Big Erik’s uncle. Nhien’s aunt. Shane’s uncle. Justin’s mom.

When I was home, my mom was rushed back to the hospital (where she still is). Around the corner from her room was my friend Maylanie’s mom. (I think she may still be there too.)

A few days after I returned to the US, I received news that another schoolmate Pam, my grade school best friend, lost her father. And just now, Lily told me over IM that another schoolmate Sally also just lost her mother 2 days ago.

What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On?!?!?!?!

What am I, Hurley from Lost? Everyone I know is cursed somehow? Doomed to suffer a tragic lost of their older loved ones?

I understand it’s the cycle/circle of life thing. But holy shit can a girl get a fucking break!?!

I had on the IM so I caught my dot com buddy Matt for a second and asked him for some good news. Any good news at all.

I need a break. Man, do I need a break!

Matt came to the rescue with good news that he and his lovely wife are moving this weekend to El Segundo. Not entirely close to us but closer than where they were in LA before.

So yey!

Olaina also stopped by again and left me lovely comments.

So yey!

Rose also sent me an online card and we are going to grab lunch next week. (She doesn’t know that yet but I’m going to reply to her right now!)

Another yey!

I know I have been wallowing a lot since the trip. Like I said, something broke within me. I am careful to start mending that because I know the worst is yet to come.

If it is broke, let it be. For now anyway. No point of trying to fix it to have it breaks again so soon now, does it?

I never thought I’d say this but THANK GOD for work!

Our big event is Wednesday and I have been running my crazy little head off at work since I got back and all day today into the late hours. Tomorrow, Nhien and I are staying in town to prepare of the big day and after that I’ll come home exhausted.

Busy is good. Very good. It doesn’t leave you much time to think about anything else.

Unlike last night.

When it’s all quiet and you have nothing to stare at but darkness, your mind takes you places you didn’t have time to go to while you were busy living your life.

The last piece of email I read was from Aunty Sida:

“Noi [mom] seems worse..she looks sick and in pain. Tomorrow I will go to hospital early and I will email you soon.”

I managed an hour nap before I startled awake around 11 p.m. The brain then switched on and it looped on the “what if”s and “what we’re going to do”s and “oh shit did i forget something about work”s. By 11:30 I said fuck it to sleeping naturally and took half a shot of Nyquil and headed for the couch.

One thing my mom and I are alike, perhaps because I got trained so well having slept in my folks room most of my young life, sometimes we can go to sleep easier if the TV was on. Mom still does today with her condition. She wakes up the moment you turn off the TV.

One TIVO’ed episode of 4400 and a few entertainment news reruns later, the bed finally came calling around 2 a.m.

Oh, and final last piece of good news?

OCTA strike is over. I have been taking the Disneyland bus to work since I got back.  I like the fact that I get another 15 minutes on my usual OCTA bus and still get there about the same time.  I do have to drive further to the park and ride though.  But I hate how packed it is and how uncomfortable the seats are.  I miss my comfy and friendly express bus!  The next few days I will be driving, but by Thursday, hopefully, I will have my usual OCTA bus back.

Familiar patterns return to me, finally! Perhaps that will help me get back into the swing of things.  Before the other shoe drops and I have to start all over again.

So, do you have good news? Share with me, please! I love to hear/read good news!

It’s almost a week since I got back. And I still feel a little off.

I can’t blame it all on jet lag, although it does affect me quite a bit. But something else in my head–or heart–is broken from this trip and it seems to change everything.

I don’t think the OakMonster you know is here any more.

I know this. But I can’t seem to go back to where I was.

Everything changed the moment I stepped into the same room as my mother. And with every bit of news that come after that furthers my descend into someplace darker than I thought I could go.

Knowing in my heart that this is MY own journey. This is MY burden to bear. This IS the emotional roller coaster I should ride alone because the passengers, although willing, shouldn’t be dragged down in to this pit of my family’s tragedy.

So, this is what Frodo feels like with the Ring around his neck.

God…I REALLY sound like an emo kid…

9 p.m. I took 2 Tylenol PM and went to bed.

I woke up at 5:45 a.m. this morning when my alarm sounded.

That will be all for now.

I want a good night sleep. Last night, I went to bed fully tired around 11 p.m.

In my sleep, I thought I was still in Bangkok where I slept on a King size bed in oversize t-shirt and shorts. Naturally, when Brandon tried to cuddle last night, I freaked out.

“Who the fuck is in my bed and why am I naked???”

Anyway.  I was seriously disoriented for a good minute before I got up to check the clock.

It was 12:30 something.

WHAT? What do you mean I napped for an hour and a half? I felt like I have been sleeping for hours!

There was no going back to bed after that. Not until almost 3 a.m. Even so, I was still tossing about for another good hour, I think.

I fucking hate jet lag.

And after I have arrived back, at least 2 people have just told me about melatonin pills I could have taken to help with all of this madness. Murphy’s law, indeed.

Melatonin is a hormone that helps regulate our sleep-wake cycles. The “staying in the sun” thing helps slow down the production of melatonin and therefore helps get you back to your schedule a little bit. Not a lot, but it helps. I think it helps me.

I didn’t know if I could still function when I get home, so I had to yet again ditched the Girls Night Out. Face plant into my dinner isn’t what I have in mind. Instead, Brandon and I took a walk in evening sun to grab junk food.

The sun did feel good. It lifts my mood.

After 2 days of answering to the good natured “How was your vacation?” with “It wasn’t really a vacation,” and “Oh. And why not?” with “My mom’s sick”, and then “I hope she feels better soon,” with “She’s dying, but thanks anyway”, I’m kind of done.

Every time I say “my mom’s dying”, it hurts. I say it with such disdain that somehow a few folks mistake it for bravery, like I said it out loud and not getting all emotional.

It’s the whole anger thing. Nothing to do with bravery or courage or whatever.

But I can’t stop people from asking the questions. I tried to avoid answering them by going around the subject and somehow it has to come back to “My mom’s dying” because there was no other way to put it.

Much like my lame attempt at fighting off jet lag, talking about my terminally ill mother isn’t something I can avoid or control. I just have to go with the flow. Rest when I can and keep up when I am needed. Something can help makes it all easier like melatonin pills for jet lag and perhaps a few beers for the emotional burden, but there is no miracle cure.

Only time can put you back together.

I slept from 8:30 p.m. to 10 a.m. this morning.

Yes, that would be PST. I am back, y’all.

I did wake up, startled, a few times last night, a little disoriented as where I was and what time it was, and I tossed and turned for a good hour or so around 3-4 a.m. Brandon handed me the phone around 6 a.m. which I muttered something to Nhien. I don’t really remember what I said then and she told me later she didn’t understand what I said either but figured that meant I wasn’t coming in today.

Well, at least I didn’t leave a message in Thai.

I am employing the “staying in the sun during daylight hour” method the best I can to beat the jet lag. I drudged out to get lunch and some grocery shopping all over town and probably will get back out and wash the car here in a minute. I actually don’t really remember my drive. This is a little scary.
My body thinks it’s almost 6 a.m. so I think I’ll feel less groggy soon.

Oh god. The bed looks really really comfy…it’s dark in there…and cool…..

Arrrrgh!!!

Partly, I think the reason why I just want to crawl into bed and stay there is the piece of news from dad last night.

They met with oncologist and he confirms that there is a cancer spot in my mom’s left lung, the side untouched originally. They didn’t see it earlier at the other hospital because it was the spot behind her heart. The new x-ray came in from a different angle and that is when they saw it.

Pretty much all we can do is treat whatever conditions mom has aside from cancer. Right now, it’s the lung infection. And whatever is going on with her digestive tracks. Yet another mystery to solve. Can someone please call Dr. House?

Dad said we’re looking at a month or two. But hey, mom has marched on for two years…not too good of a quality of life the past 4 months, given…but hey, she’s still around.

Dad also said to be prepared for the worst. “Tamm Jai” in Thai, literally means “prepare your heart”, but pretty much for you to accept what is to come, to surrender to the inevitable.

I told him that I am prepared.

It was really hard leaving mom’s side the other day. I did ask if she’d miss me, and she blinked “yes”. I said goodbye and my voice started to quiver.

I didn’t cry in front of her. She doesn’t need that. Not from me.

Can I just go to sleep and wake up when I need to go home? Can I? Please?

Once again, hello from Taipei airport. This time I only have about half and hour to kill so I will be brief.

First, updates from a few days of activities.

Friday didn’t happen as planned altogether. We didn’t have family dinner because a) dad had meeting that ran very late and might as well because b) I had a migraine so bad I wanted to take a spoon to my right eye and scoop the brain behind it out. Girls night out also was postponed to Saturday night.

Saturday was a bunch of happy coincidences. First, lunch with Bua, my twin sister from another life, at Siam Paragon. We hit it off as if we were friends for years! She was very late to the appointment but during that time I did really get into “Little Children” the novel. Can’t wait to finish the book and see the movie! Bua and I did a little shopping up at MaNGo and Zara as well. I came out with 2 things, one to wear out partying later that night.

One of the plans was to meet up with Bua and Kitty at Club Culture for the night out. But then Tong made dinner plan with her girlfriends, conveniently next door to all of the clubs both of us–me, the “foreigner” and them the locals–can enjoy. So, I went with Tong and the clan instead.  (Sorry, girls!)
We started with some wine and dessert at Fuzio, an upscale Italian restaurant atop the Min Cooper dealership on the 6th floor, where the ladies already had dinner. We then walked over to Nang Len, a hugely popular club for Thais, but couldn’t squeeze in the place so we veered off 20 paces into Escobar. Finally I get to see where Bua & Kitty hang out! Hahah! They were playing hip hop galore and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

The girls on the other hand enjoyed the Thai Party Pack (whiskey and mixers) while watching the 2 hottie twin model boys with pony tails dance with a bunch of sexy Thai models in skimpy little dresses. Gosh, those boys HAVE to be gay! They didn’t even touch that Girl in White who was shaking it up all over them. LOL. Plenty of eye candies for those who like the “Imports”, if you know what I mean.

Once the girl got bored, we moved on to try once again to squeeze into Nang Len. About 20 ft. into the crushing crowd, I told Tong I’m getting the fuck out because I wasn’t getting any air. It was THAT crowded.  A second later, the entire group concurred and they backed out after me.

All the way out, down the little street into, once again, Tong’s usual haunt, Gigabyte. The house band still rocked everyone’s sock off with today Thai hits and a bunch of re-envisioned classics.  I gladly sat by, sipping my beer next to some dude, and watched my girls finally had their fun.  My shoes were killing me anyway.  Might as well.

Fern, the sexy and sassy one who reminds me of Samantha from Sex and the City, suggested that they send me a CD of Thai MP3s so I can get into it with them next time.

But we all had a fantastic time. And once again, I had to drink the dish water that is Corona and Heineken to get my buzz.  *sigh*
I can’t wait to have a real beer when I get back. New Castle. Guinness. Either one. Come to mama!

Sunday was spent entirely with mom. When dad and Onk came to pick me up to go to family dinner, I tried my damnest not to cry when I say good bye to mom. I did walk away and cried by the door, waiting for those two to say good night. I cried all the way down the elevator.

For dinner, we went to L’Opera, the wine bar side, in Sukhumvit. Actually, it’s called the Opera Riserva.  The food was terrific. The atmosphere awesome. It was a little expensive for Thai standards but moderate for foreigners. About $40 per person, but that’s a large plate of meat antipasto, a salad, 3 pasta dishes, 1 Australian tenderloin, 1 medium pizza, 3 desserts, 2 shots of Limoncello AND a bottle of Merlot.  Not bad really for the restaurant  of that caliber. We were the only Thais in the entire place!

And now I’m here. Gotta got get on my plane now. Will do some restaurant review and emotional check in with y’all later.

See you on the other side!

Mom has been sleeping on and off most of the day today. Not much to report but the lung infection is still there and there seems to be something else going on as well.

Well, let’s see what I’ve been up to since the last time we talked.

Wednesday, we moved mom from BNH to Chulalongkorn Hospital. Just as we were ready to move her, mom went and developed a high fever so they kept her a few more hours. During that time, I was shuttled to my dentist. You know your dentist really cares about you when he actually came into the office just for me. He usually comes in every other Wednesday and the day I was there was supposed to be his off day. “I didn’t see you last year,” he said, “so I thought I’d come in.” He is also looking into some kind of fluoride foam for mom to use.

I heart my dentist.

Lily came to pick me up that evening and we went to MBK for dinner and to walk around, hunting for some cell phone charms. Mom surprised all of us when Lily showed up.

“Have you eaten?” she asked.

“You asked her a question. Do you even know who she is?” teased Kob, the caregiver.

“Lily” mom replied.

That was the most she has said in days.

By the time Lily and I got to MBK most stalls have closed already. Then we walked over to the National Stadium to meet with May. She played already but she was there watching. We hung out a while then Lily and I headed home.

Thursday was a bit less eventful. I went early to get a haircut but ended up touristing it at Starbucks for almost and hour waiting for the place to open. Then I was at the hospital with mom the rest of the day. She didn’t play with us at all. The switch was off.

May came over later in the evening and mom, who usually warms up to new people, didn’t even acknowledge her. A surprise to us.

Later on, dad came to get me. We went to Central World Plaza, my first time there since they renovated the place. I was in awe at how cool it is there now. Dad and I hit the Food Loft, had Vietnamese and Korean Bi Bim Bop with a glass each of Australian wine. Talk about international cuisine. Then we ran back to the theater for “Live Free or Die Hard”…aka. Die Hard 4.0 here in Asia. I was amazed that I managed to fall asleep here and there through out the movie. I never fall asleep at a movie! But hey, a glass of wine and a boring story can do that do you.

Today was an all day at the hospital. Mom was asleep off and on all day so there wasn’t much to report. I left earlier than I planned because a) it’s raining and b) with the way she’s been all day, I don’t think mom would know I went home already.

Tonight is dinner with the family. Tomorrow I suppose to meet up with my blogger girls, Kitty and Bua. And as I read over at Kitty’s, they have something planned for me. I’d better call them to confirm. I asked Tong and Lily to take me out as well…so I have to coordinate now.

*sigh*

…I need a real vacation after this…

Another sign of madness. I just paid $3 for 1 hour of internet at the hospital, thinking that I can catch people at the office and do a little work while we wait to transfer my mom.

It’s 11 a.m. here. For some reasons I thought it’s 9 a.m. PST…when it is actually 9 p.m.

Somebody needs her Starbucks.

But since I already paid for it, I might as well just use up the hour.

*

There has been as surge of street walkers around Lumpini Park since I left. When we were driving mom to the ER on Friday, my dad told me to keep a look out.

“Does that remind you of Hollywood Boulevard?” he asked as we rounded the corner from Sarasin, a famous little strip of clubs. Accordingly to my brothers, Sarasin has turned into a little West Hollywood except for the one bar that hasn’t changed since the 70s, the Brown Sugar.

And sure enough, girls in super short skirts lined the streets, waiting for customers.

“Isn’t this a wrong market for the girls?” I asked. “Wait. Are those REAL girls?”

Hey, we have some awesomely beautiful ladyboys around here. I had to ask!

On the way back from the hospital around 2 a.m., my brother started to tell me to watch the park as well. We only saw one on this side of the park instead of the throng of them my dad and I saw earlier.

“That’s pretty slow for a Friday night,” Onk said.

“Well, it’s late. Market’s closed,” dad added.

*

My mom is a huge fan of Academy Fantasia. The mix of American Idol and Big Brother got the whole country in a frenzy. This is their 4th year, I think. Saturday night is performance night so we were trying to determine if the hospital TV has the channel. The concert with commercials is on the public TV channel 9, but the all access is on the special cable channel. The same one that airs the footage of the AF house all day.

“What channel is it on?” dad asked Kob, the caregiver.

“Well, it’s channel 16 on cable. But (becauase we have a few “unofficial” cable boxes in teh house) it’s channel 25 in the dining room at your house.”

Onk added, “And 37 in my room. Oh, and if you want to watch it, Oakley, I think it’s 19 in yours.”

*

I have this purse hook. You know, you can hang your purse on the table if you don’t have a place to hang it behind your chair? It’s a removable metal thing that uses the purse’s weight to keep in place. When Aunty Sida and another aunty took me out to get lunch yesterday, we were in this little hold in the wall noodle place, safe enough for me. The place was full and there was no chair to put the purse.

I busted out the hook and put all of our purse on it and hung them next to me.

“Wow. That’s kind of convenient,” Aunty Sida said.

The other aunty added, “For America maybe. But here, they’d walk off with the bundle.”

Aunty Sida, “Oh, they can take it away. I don’t have any money in it.”

The other aunty, “How are you paying for your lunch?”

Aunty Sida, “With your money.”

*

Yep. We have our moments too.