I was hanging out with my friends in Sacramento this weekend. After a few glasses of wine, and the conversation turned Sex and the City-esque. My love history–or lack thereof–surprised the hell out of everyone. And I heard myself said this.
“It wasn’t like I had a self image issue. I was perfectly happy with who I was and I knew who I was. I was content that guys aren’t attracted to any of this [pointing around myself]…”
At which point, as good girl friends do, my friends chimed in, “”Aww! Stop it. You’re totally hot!”
“Oh, I know I’m totally hot. But that wasn’t the point. The point was that since I’ve decided that I will end up alone, I had all the confidence in the world to do whatever I want, and be 100% myself and care nothing about what other people think. And that includes potential mates. It was really freeing, I have to say.”
I think that threw my friends off for a few seconds. Frankly, I threw myself off for a second too.
Wow. I sound like such a cynic.
But I kind of was back in college. When you started your freshman year in college to realize that you were the only person you know who has a) never been asked out, b) never gone on a date, and c) never kissed a boy, it’s hard to not be cynical about the world.
And then I tried to impress a few boys to some kind of embarrassing results which led me to conclude that I would never find a boyfriend and would probably end up alone in the end.
Yes, it’s a depressing thought. I’m sure at one point in time in a girl’s life, we all think that way. As a matter of fact, I still hear it from single women everywhere.
But instead of making me depressed, I felt…empowered. If I would go through life being single, in that case, let’s have some life!
Oh the confidence I had once I had absolutely nothing to lose in the love department. What a freeing epiphany it was!
The only person who will love me for me is me. And whatever makes me happy, I shall do.
The sage advice of “Nobody is going to love you if you don’t love yourself” or “You can’t love anyone else if you don’t love yourself”?
Bullshit. Utter and total bullshit.
The right phrase is, “Love yourself.”
That’s it. Not ifs, ands, or buts.
Loving yourself to make someone else loves you, or so that you can find love is NOT the right frame of mind. You know why?
It still involves SOMEBODY ELSE.
If you’re consumed with making other people love you, then you don’t love you enough.
If you’re working out to feel good about yourself, awesome. But if that is a lip service because underlying reason is you want to look hot to find love, then no amount of working out is going to make you happy.
You should love you for you. Don’t love you so someone else can love you.
Once you’re really, truly doing things for you, that is when you have control of yourself and your life. You then realize that everything you ever wanted, you already have.
Happiness comes when you take a hold of your own life, live on your own terms.
You have to love you , unconditionally. Once you do, you will be happy.
Back in college, once I finally set my mind on not needing a guy in my life, my mantra back then, still applies today, is this.
Take it, or leave it.
I like myself exactly the way I am. Whoever is the right person for me is going to like all of this. Otherwise, it’s a waste of time for everyone.
If he doesn’t like me without make up on (which is, well, all the time, really), my t-shirt and jeans, and all of my quirks, then he doesn’t like me. So, why should I bother putting on make up, change my clothing choices, or put on an air just to attract a guy? If he’s attracted to THAT and not to me, then the relationship is already built on a lie. And that is just not the relationship I want to have.
(And as I come to find out, replace the word “him” with “a company you want to work for,” and exactly the same thing applies to finding the perfect job.)
Sure, that probably didn’t get me the amount of dates and boyfriends everyone else seem to have under their belt, figuratively and literally (hee). But I was perfectly happy without it.
I also figured that since finding a guy who would like all of me is probably impossible, so I might as well go out and make friends, or stay in and do art ,or read a book, or do whatever it is I enjoy doing. I was just happy being me.
That weird self confidence I had going for me also led me to ask out both of the two guys I ever dated. In both cases, we were friends before I developed a crush. Instead of waiting around to find out if they felt the same way, I just asked them out. If it was a no, then we could go about our lives. If it was a yes, then we’d both be happy. Simple as that. Why play games and waste time to be happy?
The first guy I asked out, we dated for 3 years. That break up almost destroyed me, I’m not going to lie. But I found myself in the rubble and started over again, putting myself first.
By the time the second guy came around, he didn’t have a chance. Hell, he didn’t actually want a relationship but I told him that he didn’t know what he was talking about and to trust me.
That guy who wasn’t ready for a relationship will be celebrating his 14 years with me next month.
Sure, we’ve had our rough patches. And when I looked back on those bad days, I realized that those were the days when I lost sight of myself. I forgot to live MY life while in my relationship, and later on, a marriage.
This is why I blog. This is why I organize get-togethers. This is why I cook. This is why I enjoy food. This is why I cosplay. This is why I go off and do all the crazy things I love to do. It’s more important now than ever that I love me most.
Without me, who is there for Brandon to love?
Be good to yourself out there today!