OakMonster's Den

I’ve told you about the 2010 Baby Boom with all the friends and their babies coming in this year.  But I don’t think there are enough babies to go around for Easter…

On that note, the Boom has begun:

March 19: Zachary arrived a little early for J.C. & Erick and Big Brother Joshua.
March 24: Chloe arrived a little late for Aurora & James and Big Brother Dresden.
March 25: Conor arrived on cue for Irena & Danny, first time parents!

Next up…

April 17: a girl, first for Lynda & Sean
May 27: a girl, first for Olaina & Justin
July 3: Eva & Ricky’s 3rd.
Mid July: Brenda & Jon’s first baby.
September: Doe & Wyatt, first baby for the couple, a new sibling for Big Brother Eli.

I’ve been pushing through work and juggling my social life through February.  It seems I’m making new friends and reconnecting with old ones all the time.  Weekends and evenings were no longer just the quiet moments but full of activities.

There have also been changes at my work.  We have created a new department which roped my marketing team of 2 in with 2 other departments to pursue new directions.  The new Boss Man is first a friend.  Much like my relationship with my boss Nhien, because we are friends first, communications are open in both directions.  It makes for very successful partnership I think, but yet also frustrating.  You see, the new department is like new found toy.  There are constantly “Oooh! I want to do THIS!” and “Yeah, let’s do THAT!” which tend to throw a wrench at both us and another department.

The perfect analogy for my current work situation, which my colleagues agreed on, is that the New Department is like a box of marbles spilled across the floor.  Your day-to-day responsibility is like the door you’re trying to reach.  You want to get to the door but you keep tripping on the marbles and falling down.  You pick up the marble and put it back in the box and keep going toward the door but there will be another marble to trip you up.  You eventually get to the door but you’re now all banged up. AND you’re late.  Eventually, we will all learn to navigate the marbles and manage to pick them all up AND get to the door gracefully.  In the meantime, put on your helmet, kids–it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Now, the Big Event just wrapped up without much of  hitch on Wednesday.  So a huge weight has been lifted but yet more are on the way.  In all of this, I’m trying to squeeze in an hour here and there to study Italian.  I’ve been neglecting homework because I thought I can totally do this without much help, but every week I fall further and further behind.  I’m realizing the reason why I struggle so much with it is because I’m learning a third language on my second language.

To use Hugh Laurie’s analogy of going to the set of House being the only one who has to add an accent, it’s like going to a battle with a fish when everyone else has a sword.  Almost everyone in class is a native English speaker.  Most also speak Spanish even a little bit.  I’m there with Thai being my native tongue and here I am learning a new language on my second language.  My head is translating it front and back and left and right before I come to some conclusions.  However, the benefit of my Thai tongue is that I can roll the R’s and sound the hard T’s better than anyone.

So here I am, trying to be a better student and put in some homework time.  On top of that, I still have to find time to cook–which, sadly, I’ve been able to do strictly on the weekends, to keep the blogs up to date, and to wrap up my tax paperwork.  Hey, at least the office is in order now.  I just have to comb through the pre-sorted bill and reconcile everything.

Oh, and today I had Italian class in the morning, was supposed to be at a salsa workshop at noon, bake a cake, then off to a baby shower at 4 and a birthday dinner at 7.  Thankfully the last 2 parties are at the same place.

At this level, I thought for sure I would go down with a cold after the Big Event.  I ended up with massive allergies starting at the event.  My stomach has been warring with me pretty much for 2 weeks.  And then my back decided to throw a coup as I was having a nice relaxing dinner with Brandon.

It’s like my brain knows of the maddening schedule I have ahead of me today.  So last night on behalf of the entire body, my back muscles decided to throw a tantrum and seized up.

So, no salsa today.  And up until now, I’ve been laying flat on the couch, nursing the stout left in the bottle from making my chocolate Guinness cake with some Ibuprofen.

I don’t know if having been a better eater helps stemmed the physical meltdown I usually have after a stressful period of time.  You know, my usual 24 hour of low fever and energy zap?  Not happening this time.  So the body just went for the most recent injury, my back, and uses THAT to punish me.

Well, I’m soldiering on anyway.  At least tomorrow all I have to do is type up notes for Thrill the World and go to the meeting at 7 p.m.

But then there’s the farmers market I want to get to, dinner I want to make, and the paperwork…FUCKIN’ PAPERWORK!!!

*sigh*

So, how is your week/weekend?

Breakfast

• A small bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and milk.
• Mid morning snack – a few bites out of the 2-lb. tub of Fresh & Easy low fat strawberry yogurt.

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Lunch

• Homemade mac and cheese, half of Barefoot Contessa’s recipe.  Essentially shells, gruyere, and cheddar with a pinch of nutmeg. I also infused the milk with thyme and garlic.

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Dinner

• Brandon made us Top Ramen…
• Dessert: Ben & Jerry’s Neapolitan Dynamite. Lots of it.

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Satisfaction Level: Satisfied.  Didn’t miss meat once!

Guilt Level: Very high for the lack of veggies when they could totally be had.  Oh, and the ice cream gorge.

Thoughts

I took a mental day off on Tuesday (keyword there is MENTAL) and had an ortho appointment in the morning.  I pretty much stayed in all day except for when I ran the books out to mail for Operations Paperback. I mean, I could have gone to the store and get some fresh ingredients to make ratatouille as inspired by the previous night’s Heroes episode.  But I didn’t.

And of course, the blues got me diving into the arms of Ben & Jerry.  I usually enjoyed a couple of bites for dessert anyway.  However, I went to town with that.  Then again, I did avoid the wine which was my original idea for dessert.  One shouldn’t consume a depressant when depressed, a lesson I learned the hard way after my mom died.

That brought us to the blues.

A friend has been waiting for her grandmother to pass away for a few weeks.  This weekend was it.  Having had talked about the experience with the friend all week, it was like reliving the days with my mom again.

Obviously, once I got to work and found out the friend’s grandmother had passed away, feelings beyond my control were set in motion.  I was sad for my friend’s loss.  I was sad for my own loss.  Which brought me to miss my family, my friends, and overall being home.  I was sad for things I don’t have in my life, an interesting form of envy.  You get the picture.

I hid behind my pile of work all day as an excuse to not be social.  Thank god for that because I would’ve started crying.

The next morning, I cried in the shower. For not much of a reason but all of the above.  I knew I couldn’t go to work like that.

Grief is a VERY odd thing.  I mean, soon after my mom’s death?  I get it.  The random sadness and the crying.  2 years after and I’m still affected by some stranger’s death?  That I don’t understand.

Then again, I *am* doing this veggie Tuesday thing in honor of my mom.  So, I guess in someway it’s all related.

Undeniably, especially with my involvement with Thrill the World this past year, Michael Jackson has somehow ALWAYS been a part of my life.

My knowledge of MJ is backward than from most people.  I was growing up in an era in Thailand where trends and pop cultures arrived months, if not years, later than in America/UK.

It was my brothers who introduced me to MJ after his famous moonwalk on MTV.  I remembered the MTV video we bought and watched, and watched and watched.  At some point, I remember my brother Onk had learned the theory of the moonwalk from somewhere and was teaching me.  We quickly realized that we couldn’t moonwalk on carpet.  And/or barefooted.

I never quite connected Billy Jean video with MJ back in the days. All I knew was either the song by itself, or that video where the sidewalk lit up.

Then came Thriller video.  My mom bought us the special video with the making off documentary.  After having seen it through the first time, the many times that followed, I would stop the video after the dancing was done.  The zombies attacking the house scared the beejesus out of me.  And I didn’t even know what that Vincent Price–obviously didn’t know who he was either–was saying but his voice scared me.

And of course, just like anyone else, I tried to learn the dance.

Then it was time of Bad. Back then, I absolutely adored MJ’s new face.  He was beautiful to me.  And Smooth Criminal video, and subsequently, Moonwalker became my favorite movie.  I even remembered playing Moonwalker Nintendo game at my friend’s’ house.

I’ve ALWAYS wanted to visit Neverland when I was growing up, and wanted to HAVE my own Neverland when I grow up.

I haven’t followed MJ much after that until my brothers came home one summer with Dangerous CD and all the buzz about Black or White video.  Again, watched bajillion times on video.   I coudln’t stop listening to that CD or stop going over all the tiniest little details on that cover art.  The obsession bled into my choice of performance for a talent show at school.  Me being an environmental nut at the moment,  choreographed and rehearsed over a weekend with another friend to Heal the World. It was a message piece nobody got and obviously written off as boring.  Probably my worse school performance ever.  LOL.

It wasn’t until I got to the U.S., I found out about MJ as a part of the Jackson 5.

After Dangerous, I haven’t gone back to Michael for musical inpiration.  Okay, maybe for a moment there with Scream. He seemed to going off the rail right about then and I stopped paying attention. Until he announced a performance in Bangkok.

I wasn’t home in time that summer to go to the concert with a huge gaggle of my school friends.  But dammit, I WANTED TO GO!  (Consolation prize? My dad took me to see Whitney Houston later on.)  As we all know, that was his last before THE trial.

As much as I wanted to not pay attention, I still gravitated toward MJ somehow.  My first trip to the U.S. and visit to Disneyland, I wanted to keep going back to Captain EO.  As a matter of fact, until it was closed down, two things I never missed were the Captain and Star Tour.

My freshman year in the dorm, I dug around my closet for a Halloween costume and turned up as Michael Jackson circa Black or White video.  I had a white tank top underneath a white button down, black pants, white socks and black loafers. I wrapped one arm with gauze for that one glove/bracer thing he had going.  My suite mates helped  braided my hair the night before to get that lovely MJ curls.  And, the final touch, our Caucasian suite mate loaned me her foundation to make me “white”. My friend Katie probably has a picture of us around somewhere still…

Not until Thrill the World was I reconnected with Michael again as an adult.

He might have been a total wack job and an alleged pedophile.  But there’s no denying his musical genius and dance prowess.  There’s also no denying he has always been a part of my life.

Good night, Michael. You finally have your Neverland.

My brain refuses to shut off.

I am simultaneously working on plotting the route to the Port of Long Beach boat tour tomorrow, then what to take to the Long Beach Tweet Up potluck tomorrow night.

Then planning a baby shower for my coworker next Saturday.

Then updating my LinkedIn status and checking in on the long-abandoned MySpace.

Then connecting my family with my beloved cousin who hasn’t been back to Thailand from New Zealand in YEARS.

And I’m thinking about the Italian lessons I will be taking September and if I should start prepping for that with a dictionary or something.

I also wanted to play the piano but it’s way too late now.

Brandon has a sinus infection so bad his head hurt but he didn’t go see the doctor today on his day off. And his back has been bothering him. What is it with men and not seeing a doctor?

I am so tired I can’t think straight but my brains still want to think even if it’s all jumbled up.

Bad brain.

Today wasn’t a happy one for me personally.

First up, I had to get a couple of separators back in my teeth as they came right off on the first day of having them. My teeth have been sore all week so at this point, whatever.

Then off to get my vision field test. I didn’t remember the last time my eyes were dilated, so I told my boss I’d come in after that was done.

Yeah right!

I had to hold my phone at arms length to try to call my boss. It was that bad. I could kind of drive but at 11 a.m. it was really, REALLY bright out even with the paper glasses they gave me to wear. I barely made it home but I had been squinting so badly my head started to hurt.  I braved the computer screen, turned the brightness down low, but still couldn’t read anything to save my life.  So I resigned to the couch for most of the afternoon.

Yeah, totally understand what a vampire must feel like.

I wanted to take a picture of how HUGE my pupils were for you guys but even the bathroom lights were a little bit too bright. I kind of look like this.

Eeeek!

However, this frustrating day does have a few good perks.

Our friend Matt called to let us know he and his wife are expecting their first baby.  Their little boy would probably share my birthday.  Exciting news!

And of course, I had the chance to finish up packing and made final arrangements for our Miami trip tomorrow.  Irena and Danny are tying the knot, and it is an honor for us to be able to be there.  Another friend of ours and his fiance will be joining us too.

Coconut Grove, here we come!  I will take a shot of rum for the pain in my teeth and brave at least ONE bite of real Cuban food.  But at least mofongo is soft enough.

Hmm…mofongo…

Back to packing.  I might not be blogging from there but will DEFINITELY be tweeting and sending pics.

BTW – Anyone with any tips on how to get around the area without a car, please do share.  We were told that we wouldn’t need one so we didn’t plan on renting one.  Hope that’s not a mistake.

“So what are you doing for Mother’s Day?” asked the perky medical assistant taking my vitals.

“Nothing,” I said.

“Nothing?”

“Well, if my mom hasn’t passed away, she’d be in Thailand so that’s kind of hard. Besides, Thai Mother’s Day is in August, so…”

“Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry.”

“That’s okay.”

It still feels a little funny telling some strangers that my mom has passed on. A lot of “where are your parents?” question when people find out I wasn’t from here. I usually go with “My dad and brothers are in Thailand still” and hope that THAT would be enough clue for people. But most people followed with, “What about your mom?”

She’s dead.

Oh my god. I’m so sorry.

No, no. That’s okay. Really, I have nothing else better to do than trying to make you feel better about a line you’ve just crossed. Seriously. It’s my fault for not having a living mother you can asked about. And it’s my fault for not telling you straight off.

Hi, I’m Oakley. I’m from Thailand. My husband’s white. My mom’s dead.

There. Is that better? Great.

It’s been over a year and I’m still not comfortable saying it out loud to people.

Does anyone ever get used to saying it?  Could one?

I almost literally slept through this week.

Coming down with some kind of sickness, I was expecting that after 2 weekends of wind, sun, and mead.  I just didn’t quite expect it to hit so hard.

Wednesday morning, I woke up with a sore throat and zero energy.  I called my boss and went back to sleep. I woke up for breakfast, made echinacea defense tea, and went back to sleep. I woke up to snack and shambled out to my cooking class with Aurora. (Link up soon.)  I came home, watched LOST, took Tylenol PM and went to sleep. I kept checking for fever but there was none.

Thursday morning, I woke myself up with a cough, found myself still with a sore throat, zero energy, and now, no voice.  I kept checking for fever but still there was none.  I called my boss for another day off then called for appointment with my doctor.  Strep? Flu? Whatever it is was leaving me exhausted.  I shambled out to get separators put in my teeth in preparation for braces coming in 2 weeks from now.  Then I schlepped over to the doctor.

Good news, not strep or flu.  But sinus infection again apparently.

But she only gave me paper prescription for antibiotics in case things get worse.  Let’s put some faith on my body being able to fight this thing off by itself, she said.  I’ve been doing so well this year so she didn’t want to start me in on the antibiotic vicious circle again.

And now my teeth are hurting from the separators.  On top of the sore throat, I also can’t really chew.

Great.

I dragged my butt to Fresh & Easy and bought chicken soup ingredients, tossed all that in the crock pot, made some more tea, and went to sleep.  I woke up when Brandon got home and ate some soup.  He rolled me into the car and into the theater to see Star Trek with my friend Erin.  Half way blinded by all the lense flares, thoroughly entertained by the movie, and completely in bliss from seeing all my hot boys in space (Chris Pine makes Kirk adorable instead of smarmy and Zach Quinto makes Spock so fuckin’ hot it’s illogical!), Brandon rolled me back into the car and put me in bed.

Friday I got up and again shambled out to go to work.  One of the bus people picked me up to carpool to work. She was leaving around 1 p.m.  My boss saw my face and told me to go home with the carpool lady.  I got home around 2 p.m. and slept the rest of the day, woke up to make myself some omelet–the only thing I could gnaw on with my teeth hurting–and watched Let the Right One In with Brandon.  My nose started to actually clog up.  I took Nyquil and went to bed around 10.

11:30 a.m. this morning, Brandon woke me up.  I finally have the real “sick” feeling of snotty nose and a cough.  Still no fever to speak of but I do walking around feeling like I have one.  We ran some errands.  And here I am, forcing myself NOT to go back to sleep. But I don’t think I can stave that off.

Sloth flu.  I guess you can call it that.

I’m bitter. You can ask me why.

A disappointment of a major scale has occurred. It was like passing out before giving birth to a baby, missing out on the glorious moment you’ve been waiting for for months.  It’s really, really hard to get over.

So I’ve been cranky around the office, stressed out around the house, and overall one angry and bitter ray of outward sunshine to everyone.

My attempt to release stress at my yoga class was also squelched.

It seems I have twisted my left hand on Tuesday.  I couldn’t put my weight on it and it was swollen between my middle and pointing fingers.  Since I can’t put weight on the hand, out goes doing many of the poses in yoga class and therefore no yoga–no stress relief I needed.

My routine has been thrown off balance just as I was settling in to a new life rhythm.  Life being off kilter like that triggers my instinct to hide. Laundry piles up. Paperworks clutter my desk. Blogs go unattended.

I hate it when I do that.  I hate it when I clearly am not myself. I hate it when I see it in Brandon’s eyes that he wasn’t happy about it either.

I am determined to snap out of the whole funk. Yes, sir.

I started the other night by writing an entry for Thai-Blogs.com.  It wasn’t much, but I did something. And I am working on this blog today.

I am resolved to not let the [fucking] Spreadsheet defeats my spirit.

The pink bunny ears I’m wearing today will give me super power.

It will.

I know it.

P.S. Oh, and Happy Easter to all.

moar funny pictures

What I wrote to my brothers:

I dreamed a lot last night. But one of the last thing was that I was home for Onk’s wedding.

Don’t laugh.

Who am I kidding. Laugh away!

That’s the gist of the dream because it was all quite a bit mumbo jumbo. Something including the fact that dad’s was the only working shower in the house, that Ake still lives in his room and I am in mine, that we have a hot tub in the backyard (where I ended up having to take a bath in because daddy was STILL in the shower).

And that I was setting two seats for the parents, poignantly missing mom.

I didn’t wake up crying, but I did cry promptly after I woke up.

I miss her something fierce today.

I guess I have been missing her for a bit since Mother’s Day a few days ago. Just didn’t have time to process it all. I have been so busy with everything and at some point I was trying not to feel it, occupying my time and my thought with something else.

You can only fight it for so long.

I have cried today. The hollow feeling in my chest is there. And it is just weird how your “heartache” could physically manifest.

Since I mentioned Mother’s Day, the hole in my chest has just been sitting there. That day, the office had that event at the Sony lot so I was preoccupied with a lot of things. Partly, I didn’t want to have time to dwell on the fact that I was missing my mother.

I kept pushing that through the week, busying myself with work and with Celeste’s going away. Losing one of my good friends at the office, although just across the street, is hard too. The dynamic of our little fun corner is already a little off, and now the glue is gone. It’s going to be interesting adjusting next week.

Friday night, I swore I didn’t want to do anything else. I left work on the early bus, feeling completely spent. I didn’t want to ride a bike to get dinner, but I made myself ask Brandon if we could. I didn’t want to sit and watch TV for the rest of the evening, but I couldn’t get myself to do anything else. All the while, I didn’t want to admit that my heart was aching and that there was a gaping hole in there.

Saturday came, as if he knew something was wrong, Brandon plotted out the day full of activities and I, not wanting to acknowledge my feelings, went with it. We got my bike fixed (the back fender was loose when I took a spill last week), bought a new door handle for my car (plastic is so old and brittle it broke off in Brandon’s hand), got pampered (Brandon got a 30-minute massage next door because the kink in his neck wouldn’t go away while I got a pedicure and extra long foot massage), and picked up groceries (made this awesome Spanish garlic chicken thing–will blog on Hmm…Food…Good soon).

But this morning, I wasn’t so lucky. The dream pretty much topped off the “I miss my mom” tank and spilled over.

I cried. Brandon held me for a while. Then he brought all of the stuffed animals in the room over to hang out with me, a “group hug” from my soft and fuzzy friends, not unlike how I used to do when I was a kid. I made me cry more but at the same time very comforting.

Mom’s first anniversary is already a few days away. And I am already a mess.