The Day

The first anniversary of my mom’s passing is here. My heart is heavy. I picked up red roses, her favorite, at the Farmer’s market yesterday. Looking at them in the elevator, tears welled up. But I didn’t cry. Brandon held me this morning before he left for work. I didn’t want to wake up this morning. I just want to stay asleep. But I did wake up. I had to. Somebody has to put the roses in a vase for mom. I talked to my dad a while ago. The entire crew of aunties and the family went to the...
Continue reading...

Never our plan II

The Christian God has been vying for my soul a bit heavily these past few weeks. Observe the long list of Catholic and Christian coincidences. #1 August 6 was the day of the dinner party with people on my last bus home. The bus was so unusually full in the morning that Tony who always sit in the back ended up in the front. Next to him was Robert, a gentleman who used to ride the bus when I started. We work in the same building. Since then he had stopped taking the bus, only popping up on the bus...
Continue reading...

Sunday Morning

What I wrote to my brothers: I dreamed a lot last night. But one of the last thing was that I was home for Onk’s wedding. Don’t laugh. Who am I kidding. Laugh away! That’s the gist of the dream because it was all quite a bit mumbo jumbo. Something including the fact that dad’s was the only working shower in the house, that Ake still lives in his room and I am in mine, that we have a hot tub in the backyard (where I ended up having to take a bath in because daddy was STILL in the...
Continue reading...

Does yours do that?

I just wrote an email to my brothers.  It goes something like this: You don’t know what it is at first but suddenly your heart flutters and you feel like you couldn’t catch your breath.  Then your heart sinks.  It feels so heavy as if it’s pulling your shoulders the floor along with itself.  Anxiety attack?  Sounds like it.  But it isn’t. But then tears well up in your eyes, and you realize it’s mom you’re missing.  What you feel is a hole left by her absence. And then you cry.  Sometimes the whole sinking heart thing goes away.  Sometime...
Continue reading...

Dream a little dream

…of mom. Apparently, mom has been paying a visit to a few of us here and there. Last week, I woke up sobbing hysterically and freaked the hell out of Brandon.  After a long crazy dream about me being a failure (..something about burning something on the stove top when all I had to do was reheating a frozen block of soup, someone came into the house with a pet meerkat, and everyone was looking at me as if I just came off the short bus for burning that fucking soup…), I somehow ended up in a mall with my...
Continue reading...